Begin Again
by missEris
Summary: This is my attempt at answering some of those unanswered questions about S4. Chapter 10. What happens after the date? Fun, fluff, smut and a teeny tiny bit of angst.
1. Being there

**Disclaimer; I own very little and absolutely nothing relating to any of the characters from CSI:NY. **

**Although this is a D/L fic, it also touches on the D/F friendship. This first chapter brings to light some tensions between Lindsay and Flack so it's mostly them for now, focusing on each of their relationships with Danny. **

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"Can we trace his cell?"

Lindsay stopped suddenly at the urgent tone in Don Flack's voice. She turned slightly to peer through the open door of Stella Bonasera's office, watching as Stella typed frantically into her computer.

"What the hell is he doing this time?" Flack asked of no-one in particular.

"This time?" Stella asked sharply, her gaze scrutinizing the young detective.

"Um . . , nothing. Don't worry about it Stel," Don said quickly. "Ya got anything yet?" he asked, nodding towards her screen.

Lindsay hovered, knowing that whatever was going on had nothing to do with her, telling herself she should be on her way, that she should just go home as she'd been planning. But something compelled her to stay, out of sight, listening to the intense conversation. That something was Danny Messer. She knew that whatever was going on it was about him.

Danny hadn't turned up for his shift that was supposed to start three hours before. Of course, it wasn't the first time that had happened in the past few weeks. Everyone had thought he was over the worst of his grief but over the course of recent days he'd become increasingly distant, still doing his job but that was it. Lindsay knew she was partly responsible, so she waited.

"Got it," Stella said quickly, "He's at the cemetery."

"Shit!" Don said, as realisation dawned on him, "Louie."

"Louie?"

"Yeah, Danny mentioned a few weeks ago that the anniversary of Louie's death was coming up. That must be today."

"Oh," Stella said simply.

"Shit, why didn't I see this coming?"

"See what coming?" Lindsay asked, finally stepping out of the shadows and into sight.

"Lindsay, how long have you been standing there?" Stella asked.

"Long enough," the younger woman replied, "What's going on with Danny?"

"That's what we're trying to find out," Flack replied shortly.

He turned his attention to Stella. "I'll get over there."

As he turned to walk out of the office he was halted by Lindsay's hand on his arm. "I'm coming with you."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not?"

Flack looked at her as though she was an idiot. "Oh I don't know Linds," he said sarcastically, "maybe because he's been trying to talk to you for weeks, maybe because yet again you shut him out, wouldn't talk to him."

"I shut _him_ out?"

"What? You're denying it? Nice one Monroe," he said before once again moving towards the door.

"What the hell is your problem?" Lindsay asked, "maybe if he's been trying to talk to me then I might actually be able to help him, maybe . . . . ."

"No," Don said simply, stopping only at the sound of Stella's voice.

"She's got a point Don," Stella said simply, watching intently as Don Flack let out a frustrated breath, his gaze going from one woman to the other.

Eventually, on a deep sigh he spoke. "Well what are you waiting for Monroe," he said curtly before finally making his way out of the office.

Lindsay followed on his heel, the atmosphere between the two of them tense. Stella watched them leave, hoping to god that between them they'd be able to stop bickering long enough to actually help Danny.

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"When we get there I want you to stay in the car," Don said as they drove in the direction of the cemetery.

"No," Lindsay said simply.

"Damnit Lindsay, this really isn't helping," he spat, "I know you probably feel guilty but I want to make sure he's okay seeing you, we don't know what sort of state he'll be in and . . . ."

"You think I should feel guilty?" Lindsay asked, her tone failing to hide her hurt.

"Don't you?" Don asked, his gaze resting on her briefly.

"I'm not sure to tell you the truth," she said honestly, "he hurt me."

"Yeah, I get that," Don said, his tone shifting to one of partial sympathy, "it's tough when someone you care about pushes you away when they're having a tough time. But it's also understandable; you should know that more than anyone."

"Because I did it to him?" she asked.

Don just shrugged. Lindsay sighed.

"I know I hurt him last year Don, I know I shouldn't have done that, but it was the only way I could deal with this."

"And he understood that, he waited for you. Why couldn't you understand him?"

"I . . . I tried," she whispered, tears clogging her throat, "I really did, but. . . . ."

"But what?"

"It's complicated."

"With you it generally is," he snorted.

"It's not about me," Lindsay said defensively.

"Of course it's about you," he replied, "I know Lindsay, I have eyes, I've seen how not talking to you these past few weeks has affected him."

"He's talked to you?" she asked.

"Yeah," he sighed, "Only once though, when he was so drunk he could barely stand up. Told me how he'd been trying to talk to you but you wouldn't listen to him."

"Did he tell you anything else?" she asked.

"Like what?"

"It doesn't matter," she shrugged.

"Tell me," he insisted, "If we're going to stand any chance of helping him you have to let me know what we're dealing with here Linds," he said, his tone softening as he pulled into the cemetery parking lot, cutting the engine and turning to look at her face on.

"He . . . ., I. . . .," she couldn't keep the tears from her eyes, attempting to blink them away, she focused on the scene in front of her, "He slept with Rikki Sandoval."

"He what?" Don asked, shocked, "No, . . . ., he wouldn't do that," he insisted, looking at her in amazement, "he told you this?"

"He didn't have to," she said simply.

"But, how do you. . . . .?"

"I just know Don," Lindsay insisted, "I just know."

He watched her for a moment before turning away, running over in his mind the last time he'd gone looking for Danny. He remembered the way Danny and Rikki had clung to each other, he remembered Danny's discomfort when he'd tried to talk to him about Lindsay. Suddenly it all became clear, maybe Lindsay was right.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, turning back towards her.

"It's okay," she said with a broken smile, "not your fault."

"No," he replied, "but I've been giving you a hard time and I shouldn't have," he sighed before rushing in quickly, "I'm not saying I think you're right because I don't know, but I do know that he was spending a lot of time with her and that must've been hard for you, particularly if you were thinking along those lines."

"I didn't want to believe it," she said quietly, "I got that he needed to spend time with her, she didn't have any family close by and he felt so guilty. Then the day of Stella's fire I called him up and asked him to lunch, he couldn't get rid of me quick enough, coming up with every excuse in the book. He couldn't look me in the eye when he came into work and I just knew."

"I'm sorry," Don said, reaching over and grasping her hand gently.

It was only then that Lindsay noticed the tears streaming down her face. She sniffed, quickly wiping the moisture from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"I'm okay," she insisted, "we have to help him."

"You're sure?" he asked.

"I'm sure," she said, "whatever he did he's hurting and I care about him. We need to move on from this one way or another and the only way we can do that is to talk. I'm the reason he's here Don. Okay, not the only one. There's Louie, Aiden, Ruben. But if I'd talked to him all those weeks ago like he wanted maybe he wouldn't be acting like this now. Whatever he did there's a part of me that understands it. I hate it but I understand."

Don nodded briefly before stepping out of the car and waiting for her to collect herself before joining him.

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Don frowned in confusion when they reached Louie's grave. There were fresh flowers resting against the headstone but Danny was nowhere in sight.

"Damnit," he cursed as he realised they'd missed him.

He turned to Lindsay but saw her gaze fixed firmly in the distance. He followed her line of sight and breathed a sigh of relief at the figure hunched over the relatively fresh plot in the far corner of the cemetery.

"Ruben," he said simply.

Lindsay nodded sadly before following him as they made their way towards their friend. That's the only way Lindsay could view him right now. He was her friend, no more, no less. Anything else just hurt to much to remember and she knew now was a time for Danny's pain not hers. She had to find a way to push her own hurt aside.

"Don," she said suddenly as they neared their destination.

He stopped and turned towards her. "Please . . . . would you let me . . . ?"

He hesitated at the expression on her face, part pleading, part terrified. But he understood her unspoken question perfectly. He nodded and stepped back.

"I'll go back that way," he said, nodding in the direction of the car, "I'll wait for a while. Call if you need to, or if you need a lift back."

Lindsay nodded, never taking her eyes from Danny's hunched and defeated figure.

"Lindsay."

Her eyes snapped forward as she felt Don's hand on her arm.

"It's okay," she insisted, "we'll be okay."

"Good," he said with bravado he didn't feel, "You know where I am."

"Thank you."

With that, Don Flack walked away, entrusting the welfare of his best friend to the woman who had apparently been betrayed by him. While he questioned the wisdom of his actions, deep down he knew he was doing the right thing, giving Danny the best chance for recovery even if things didn't work out the way he wanted.

He stopped near the car and watched as Lindsay approached Ruben Sandoval's grave.

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"I'm sorry buddy," Danny whispered hoarsely, "I would do anything to have taken that bullet for you, I'm so sorry."

Lindsay hesitated. A part of her wanting to reach for him, another part wanting to turn and run in the opposite direction. She felt like an intruder, listening to a conversation she shouldn't be privy to. Her body stiffened at his next words.

"Your mom's doing okay," he whispered, "She moved out west, she was too sad to stay here without you. She won't be able to visit much anymore but she said she doesn't need to, that you're with her every day wherever she is."

Lindsay felt her breath hitch in her throat as tears once again stung her eyes. She couldn't listen to anymore, she couldn't listen to Danny talking about Rikki.

"Danny."

His head snapped up and for the first time their eyes locked, his in shock and hers in pain and sympathy.

"What . . . ? How?"

His words were choked, his eyes red from hours of shedding tears for those he'd lost.

"I'm sorry," he whispered harshly, his eyes filling with fresh tears. "Oh god I'm so sorry Linds," he added, his frame sagging even further into the ground if that was possible.

"It's okay," she said softly, crouching down beside him, her hand reaching to rest against his shoulder.

"No," he said, shrugging away from his touch, "you need to go. You can't be here. You're right not wanting to talk to me, all I do is cause pain, all I do is hurt the people I care about. I can't hurt you anymore. I don't want to."

His words came out in a rush of guilt and grief.

"It's okay Danny," she whispered, moving closer to him.

"No it's not," he insisted, his words coming out on broken sobs, "you don't even know what I've done."

Ignoring the damp earth beneath her she knelt and moved closer to him, ignoring his attempts to back away from her. Her arms wound around his stiff shoulders, her touch firm and insistent. She felt warmth flood through her body at being so close to him for the first time in weeks. She felt panic grip her as she was reminded just how much she loved him. It was all very well coming to him as a friend, but she knew she couldn't cut off from the part of her who still saw him as her lover. She sighed heavily as she tugged his body against her. Reluctantly he let her embrace him, his body still stiff and resistant.

"It's okay," she repeated, "I know."

He broke then. The final weight sitting heavily on his tortured soul. The realisation that she really did know just how much he'd betrayed her dragging him down into a pit of despair as he sobbed uncontrollably against her.

"I'm sorry," he repeated over and over.

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Don Flack turned towards his car, the sight before him heartbreakingly reassuring as he realised that whatever happened Lindsay would watch over Danny, at least for tonight. She may well walk away again by daylight but if that happened then he'd help Danny deal with that when the time came.


	2. The Truth

**Thanks for all the reviews so far. This chapter is a bit emotionally harrowing. It deals with their first conversation about what happened so is heavy on the dialogue. It also addresses more from Lindsay's past and the reason why she knew about Rikki.**

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The pounding in his head pulled him from sleep. Groaning as he turned away from the sunlight peeking through the gaps in the blinds, he blinked as his eyes focused on his surroundings. The room was as familiar as his own, but it wasn't his own.

"Fuck!" he cursed, what the hell was he doing in Lindsay's bed?

He dragged himself up on his forearms, seeing the empty spot beside him, no indentation on the pillow to indicate he'd been anything but alone. He fell back against the bed and covered his eyes with his arm. He supposed it was too much to expect that they'd had some sort of passionate reconciliation the night before. That would have been so much more than he deserved.

Minutes later he once again dragged his body up from the bed, noting that he was still in the clothes he'd been wearing for the past few days. He winced as he caught the whiff of stale sweat and booze that was no doubt emanating from his pores as well as coming from his clothes. He knew that the smell coming from him wasn't the only reason Lindsay had vacated her own bed. Jeez, he wouldn't have wanted to sleep with him either given any choice in the matter.

Stumbling to his feet he waited for the room to right itself before weaving towards the living room, stopping in the doorway when he saw her sprawled face down on her own couch. He couldn't help the smile that curved his lips, she'd always looked so damned adorable asleep. For one so small she sure took up a lot of room, something that had often caused him to wake in the middle of the night moments before he would have ended up on the floor. Vying for sleeping space had become yet another competition for the two of them, something else that had caused no end of teasing and banter.

The moment of fond reminiscing over, he felt the sudden cold memory of guilt engulf him. It was as if someone had showered him with icy water as he was forced to recall her words of only a few hours before. 'I know'.

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Lindsay groaned as she stretched her aching muscles. She may be small but her couch was smaller. She lifted her head and brushed her hair from her face, blinking as she tried to focus. Rolling onto her back she squinted at the large clock hanging above the entrance to her tiny kitchen. It was only 6 AM and her day off, but she knew she'd never get back to sleep. A sudden movement out of the corner of her eye had her sitting bolt upright.

"Sorry."

She stared at him. He was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall, just staring at her. She pulled the comforter more securely across her body as she struggled for something to say. His hair was still wet from the shower and he was dressed in clean clothes.

The first time he'd stayed over he'd brought clean clothes, just as she had when she stayed at his. She almost smiled as she recalled how she'd only ever worn easily laundered clothes to his, laundry wasn't his strong suit and the unspoken agreement between them was that they'd each launder the other's clothes from the night before, that way they'd always have a clean outfit for the morning the next time they stayed. He'd obviously found his clothes from weeks before still folded neatly in her closet.

"I'll get you some coffee," he muttered before hauling himself off the floor and making his way to the kitchen.

Lindsay untangled herself from the comforter and went into her bedroom, noting with surprise how he'd stripped the bed and remade it with fresh sheets. She refused to allow herself to dwell on his consideration, instead angrily pulling clothes from her closet before heading for the shower.

Danny flinched as he heard the bathroom door slam. Not that he blamed her. He sighed as he went about making coffee and toast for when she emerged from her shower. He knew he was damned lucky to even be in her apartment. He wasn't sure he could have been so gracious had their positions been reversed.

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Lindsay found him sitting at her table, nursing a cup of coffee in his hands, the place opposite him set with breakfast for her. She slipped into the seat and tried to ignore the memories of previous breakfasts shared. She stared down at the toast and coffee not knowing what to say.

"How ya doing?" he asked softly.

Her head snapped up and she frowned at him, still unable to speak.

"I know this is awkward," he went on to say, "I know you probably don't want me here."

She just shrugged and lifted the coffee cup to her lips, taking a sip but keeping her eyes on him.

"Are you okay?" she asked eventually.

He just shrugged, much in the same way she had done a moment before.

"I just want to talk to you," he whispered, "That's all I've wanted for weeks."

"I know," she replied, "I just . . . . ., It's hard."

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

"Stop!" she snapped, "Just stop saying you're sorry, please. It really doesn't help."

"What would help?"

"Honestly? I don't know," she replied, "I guess I just want to understand why. I want to know where we went wrong."

"We didn't go wrong Linds. I went wrong."

"It's not as simple as that Danny," she said after a long pause, "It's never just about one person. We were in a relationship and you shut me out, slept with someone else . . ."

He flinched at her words as silence once again engulfed them. He closed his eyes briefly before once again looking at her, head bent as she studied the table in front of her.

"How. . .," he began before clearing his throat, "How did you know?"

She let out a bitter laugh as her eyes lifted to his. "You think I haven't been cheated on before?" she asked incredulously, "Trust me, experience teaches you to spot the signs Danny."

He felt the guilt constrict his chest. "I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't fucking know," she yelled, suddenly standing up and knocking her chair over backwards, "what does it matter anyway? You think if you'd have known you wouldn't have done it?"

"Linds," he whispered, tears springing to his eyes as he followed her across the living room, "I'm so . . ."

"Don't!" she spat, "I told you not to say that again."

She sat heavily on the couch, her head sinking into her hands. Danny just stood watching her, not knowing what to say.

"You know," she said eventually, "I knew you were spending a lot of time with her, but I trusted you. I thought you just needed a few days, that eventually you'd come back to me. When you didn't I knew what would happen if it hadn't already. I tried to get through to you, let you know that I was there, let you know with the little things. Leaving the notes, your favourite take out on your desk. Do you have any idea how much it hurt every time I walked into our office and saw the take out untouched but thrown in the trash, the post it notes still sitting on your desk exactly where I'd left them? You gave me nothing Danny, nothing."

"I know," he whispered brokenly.

She watched as he sank to the floor, his back against the wall in the exact position she'd found him when she'd woken.

She laughed. Not that it was funny, but she couldn't seem to stop.

"You know what the real kicker was?" she asked once she caught her breath and regained her composure.

He shook his head.

"When I called and asked you to lunch," she said, "that was when I really knew. You see I'd heard all those excuses before. I actually thought if I came right out with it, if I actually told you I needed you, that I wanted to spend time with you that you'd never say no. You may not have wanted to, but I didn't think you'd outright say no. Not that you did. You just gave me every excuse that you could think of. You see Danny, I'd heard it all before. Except that time it was more along the lines of 'I've got to study for my exams, I've got to visit my grandmother, and I've got to attend my cousin's birthday party.'"

She took a long, shaky breath. Danny remained silent, knowing she hadn't finished, knowing that he owed it to her to hear her out.

"Steve was the reason it took me so long to give into you. There were so many things about you that reminded me of him. He was the cool guy, the one everyone wanted to be with but for some reason he wanted to be with me. He was my first real boyfriend. Like with you we'd only been together a few months when things went from wonderful to sour practically overnight. I'd slept with him the first time the week before then suddenly he pulled away from me. He gave me all the excuses. When I finally tracked him down you know what he said to me?"

Her eyes were piercing through every nerve of his being. He could only shake his head numbly.

"Don't make such a big deal out of it," she said scathingly, "sound familiar Danny?"

"Oh god," he whispered, the true comprehension of what he'd done to her suddenly hitting him.

Not only had he betrayed her trust in the worst way possible, he'd completely disregarded her feelings. He hadn't had the guts to fess up and had just turned it around to suit him, to make it easier on him.

"That's not even the worst of it," she said, shuddering as she relived the whole experience, "eventually he told me that we weren't even really together that he'd only been dating me as a bet. A group of guys had a wager going to see who could bag the weird girl, the one whose friends were killed, the one nobody wanted to be with because deep down they speculated that because the police had never found the guy that did it, maybe she'd actually killed them herself."

By now she had tears streaming down her face, she'd curled her legs beneath her, hugging her body in the only comfort she'd been able to rely on. Lindsay Monroe didn't trust easily, she'd learned the hard way to rely on herself and herself alone. That was until Danny Messer came along.

"Was I just a bet to you Danny? Is that all I was to you?" she asked brokenly between sobs, despair etched on her face.

"No!" he said, quickly standing and moving towards her, "Oh god no Linds, please don't think that."

"I don't mean a real bet, I know you didn't have a wager with Flack or anything. But all I can think of is that you had one with yourself, like I was a challenge or something. At least until a bigger challenge came along. Who better than the grieving mother of the boy whose death you feel responsible for?" she bit out harshly.

Danny sank onto the couch next to her, desperately wanting to reach for her but not knowing how. The harsh reminder of Ruben's death ripped through every part of him, but nothing hit him harder than knowing how much he'd hurt Lindsay Monroe.

"It wasn't like that," he whispered hoarsely, "I promise you it wasn't like that."

"Then what was it like?" she asked, her tears still silently coursing down her cheeks, "I have to know, make me understand Danny."

"I couldn't help her, I couldn't think of anything to do to help her," he muttered, his eyes fixed firmly on the floor in front of him. "I just felt so fucking guilty, it was all my fault. That little boy had everything to live for and she trusted me with him."

"So you fucked her pain away?" Lindsay asked.

"It was all I had to give," he admitted.

"Except you didn't have it to give," she responded, unable to keep the bitterness from her tone, "that was something that was mine, it was supposed to be just mine."

"I know."

"Did you think of me at all?" she asked, swiping at her eyes, her tears slowing as the pain momentarily subsided.

He hesitated before finally lifting his gaze to hers. "No," he admitted.

She nodded. That was something she understood only too well, after all it had been the only way she'd been able to shut him out of her life; by forgetting his existence beyond the fact that he was a work colleague.

"At first I just kept thinking I'd do what I could for her, help her to get to a place where she would be okay. I knew I couldn't balance that with being with you."

"So you intentionally pulled away from me?" she asked.

"Yes," he whispered, "You made me happy, I couldn't deal with that."

The harsh laugh that emitted from her throat was tinged with disbelief.

"That's the first time I've been rejected because I make someone happy."

He sighed heavily. "Eventually it became easier to forget that there had been anything between us. I was used to seeing you at work when we weren't together. That was the one place where I could hold it together, the one place where I could forget it all and pretend that everything was normal, as long as I forgot about you, as long as I just saw you as someone I worked with."

"How many times?" she asked.

"Twice," he replied, not even thinking about pretending not to understand the question. They'd gone beyond that. The only thing left between them was honesty, it was the only worthwhile thing they had left to share, his actions had seen to that.

"How did it happen?"

He wanted to protest, he wanted to refuse to tell her. Surely she didn't really want to know. But she did, and he understood that. He also understood that he needed to tell her, he needed her to understand.

"We'd been spending a lot of time together, just talking. After she'd taken my gun I got scared, scared that she'd do something foolish and I just couldn't take that. I didn't want to be responsible for anyone else getting hurt. So I just spent every available moment with her. Mostly she came over to mine, to get away from her apartment. We'd have dinner, a bottle of wine. And we talked, mostly about Ruben. It seemed to make things easier, I thought it would help. Then she turned up, the night Stella's apartment caught fire. It was after 3 and she was crying. She'd had a nightmare so I just held her but she wouldn't stop crying. She kept saying over and over how much she missed him, how much she wanted him back."

He paused, taking a deep breath, his gaze once again glancing towards her, seeing her still hugging her arms around her body, waiting for the final blow to come. He knew he had to be the one to deal that blow, because really it had already been delivered.

"Go on," she said, nodding in encouragement, knowing she needed to hear it as much as it needed to be said.

"I kissed her," he whispered, "it was the only thing I could think of, the only way I could get her to stop crying. I didn't even think about it, I just went with it and when she responded, when she stopped crying it was the first time in weeks that my own pain went away."

"You said it happened twice," she said, unable to keep the broken tone out of her voice or the tears from once again spilling down her cheeks.

He looked at her, forcing himself to see the pain she was in, forcing himself to continue.

"The next morning . . . ."

"She was there when I called?" Lindsay asked, her voice muffled by her tears.

"Yes," he admitted.

"You didn't feel guilty?"

"I wouldn't let myself feel guilty, not then," he said, "I just wanted the pain to stop again, when I was talking to you it came back and somehow it made sense that being with her like that stopped the pain, for both of us."

Lindsay curled even tighter into herself if that was possible. She hated what she was hearing but somehow having him finally admit the truth, finally be honest with her was cathartic in its own way.

"Why did you stop if it helped you both? You said it only happened twice, why not more?"

"Because after that every time I looked at her I only saw you, I only saw the pain in your eyes. It stopped helping."

"But you still spent time with her?"

"Not really," he said softly, "I saw her every day, just to check on her but we were so busy with the cabbie killer that I was mostly only home to sleep."

"And she was okay with that? She didn't want more?"

Danny stretched his legs out in front of him and contemplated for a moment, wanting to choose his words carefully.

"Don't hold back Danny," Lindsay whispered.

"She was under no illusion about us," he said on a rush of exhaled air, "She knew it was wrong even before I did. She didn't start this, I started it. I made the first move, I made the second move. She would have gone home and that would have been it. It was me who insisted she stayed, it was me who wanted to take the pain away. She saw right through me and I think she was happy to keep her distance. After that all of our conversations were held out in the hall."

Lindsay let his words sink in, the truth that her boyfriend had initiated the relationship with the other woman. She fought down the bile that rose in her throat.

"Where is she now?"

"She moved, went to stay with her sister in LA."

"You saw her before she left?"

He nodded. "She came to see me, told me she was moving."

"So you knew nothing else was going to happen when she told you that?"

"No, it wasn't like that," he said, his eyes locking with hers, holding her gaze.

Lindsay wanted to look away but something in his eyes held her.

"I told her that what we did was wrong, that it shouldn't have happened, that she'd been right when she said it wasn't a healthy thing for us to do. I understood that then, I understood that while it helped for a while ultimately it made everything worse."

Lindsay stared at her hands clasped firmly together against her knees as she tried to process everything he'd told her. Eventually she looked up to see him staring at her.

"You should go," she said.

"Linds, I . . ."

"I want you to go."

Danny battled with his own emotions, the desperate need to feel close to her. But he knew he had no right, he knew he had to do as she asked.

"Okay," he nodded as stood shakily to his feet.

Lindsay's eyes glanced at the clock. She was surprised to find they'd been talking for hours.

"Where do we go from here?" he asked softly.

"I honestly don't know," she shrugged, "I just need time to process."

"I don't want this to be over," Danny said, not caring that his tone was pleading.

"I just need some time," she insisted, "I don't really know what's going to happen but we'll talk, just give me some time."

He nodded, his hand reaching out to brush the hair from her face before his fingers trailed to brush against her tear stained cheek. "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," she sighed.

And she did know. That was the one thing she was clear on. No matter what he'd done she'd just been the bystander that had gotten in the way. In some ways it made her feel better, in others it just hurt like hell.

She watched as he walked to the door, hesitating a moment before speaking one more time.

"I wanted forever with you Montana."

His words were simple, perfect even. Better than any declaration of feelings that in her mind would be contradicted by his recent actions. As he walked out of her door she gave into a fresh bout of tears.


	3. Understanding

**No D/L interaction here but some bridge building between Lindsay and Don, as well as lots of reflection on what has happened. Thanks for all the reviews so far.**

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He walked out of Mac's office and sagged against the wall in relief. It could have been worse, a lot worse. Two weeks leave and a mandatory psych eval was what he had to look forward to. A week ago he would have been pissed at the psych eval but right now he was prepared to do anything to get back on track.

Mac was a good boss, always fair, more than fair when it came to Danny. There had been so many times when the older man could have thrown the book at him but he always managed to see through what Danny had done to what he had been trying to do. For that he was grateful.

He pushed off from the wall and looked around in search of someone familiar. A few minutes later he found him.

"Hey Flack," he acknowledged as he entered the break room to find his friend scribbling a report over a cup of coffee.

"Messer," Flack acknowledged, his gaze scrutinising, "Been worried about you."

"Yeah," Danny replied, taking the seat opposite, "sorry 'bout that."

"You okay?"

"Not sure to tell ya the truth."

"I'm almost done here, you wanna go grab a beer?"

"Sure."

888888

_Montana,_

_Taking some time out to get my head straight_

_Call me if you want to, I won't pressure you_

_Just want you to know I'm here_

_Still missing you more than I can say_

_D_

She sighed with relief as she read his text. She'd been dreading going back to work tomorrow and having to face him, she just wasn't ready.

Swinging her legs off the couch she went to the kitchen, leaving her phone firmly where it was. She'd lost count of the number of times she'd read the message.

888888

"Hey man," Flack greeted as he slipped onto the bar stool next to his friend, gratefully accepting the proffered beer after a gruelling day.

Silence stretched between the two friends as each waited for the other to speak. Eventually Flack was the one to bite the bullet.

"So, how are things with Monroe?"

Danny stared at his beer, his fingers tugging at the already peeling label where the condensations had lifted its edges.

"I hurt her."

"Yeah," Don said, "I kinda got that memo."

"It was bad man," Danny muttered, his eyes still downcast.

"How bad?" his friend asked, going directly for the jugular.

"In the worst way possible."

"So you did sleep with her then?"

Danny's head snapped up, his eyes narrowing as he took in the questioning arch of Don's brow.

"You knew too?"

"Nah," Flack dismissed with a wave of his hand, "I don't got none of that female intuition."

"She told you?" Danny asked and at Flack's nod his shoulders slumped in defeat, "I suppose I can't blame her for that, I guess Stella will be kicking my ass next."

"I doubt she knows," Don said, "I doubt anybody knows, you can't honestly think Lindsay told them?"

"She told you."

"Yeah, because I forced her to."

Danny snorted. "How d'ya do that?"

Don Flack felt a twinge of shame knot his stomach.

"I wasn't very nice to her," he said simply, "told her I thought she should be more supportive of you."

"You give her a hard time?" Danny asked, already knowing the answer, "Why'd ya do that Flack? None of this was her fault."

"Yeah, well I didn't know that at the time did I? I thought she was yanking yer chain again."

"Shit," Danny cursed, "if anyone needs support right now it's her. There's stuff even I didn't know about. Stuff that made everything I did ten times worse for her."

"If she didn't tell you then how were you supposed to know?"

Danny shrugged. "Yeah, but as she said even if I had known who's to say I still wouldn't have done what I done. I forgot about her Don, shut her out and pretended she was nothing to me. All of that just to make myself feel better."

"Is she something to you?" Don asked carefully.

"What sort of question is that?" Danny asked, "I wanted her for so long, waited for her, fought for her even. Of course she's something to me."

"Something?"

"That was your word man," Danny bit out in frustration.

"Yeah," Don said softly, treading as carefully as possible but believing things needed to be said, "but that's because I haven't got a clue what she is to you, I'd expect you to be a bit clearer."

Danny stared at his friend, mulling his words over in his mind, trying to think of the words to describe who Lindsay Monroe was to him. The words that kept coming to mind though were nothing conclusive; frustrating, beautiful, smart, an enigma, . . . ., he could go on, but none of those words would help him to understand.

"At the moment she's everything," he answered simply, hoping that would be enough.

"At the moment?" obviously it wasn't enough for Don Flack, "what about the past few months? She was everything to you when you couldn't have her before, she's everything to you now. What about the time in between? What about when you were actually together?"

Danny sighed in frustration. He didn't need this right now. He lifted his arm to grab the attention of the barman, desperately looking for a distraction from Don's questions.

Don Flack eased back a little. The questions he'd asked were ones that had been itching to trip off of his tongue for a while now. He remembered how Danny was when Lindsay had returned from Montana, he was ecstatic. Don thought he'd finally found 'the one', not that Danny Messer would ever have admitted to looking for it. Something seemed to have changed though, something long before Ruben Sandoval was hit by the bullet outside of that bodega.

888888

Little did Don Flack know that Lindsay Monroe was mulling over similar thoughts as she once again retired to her couch to relive what had gone wrong between her and the man she'd fallen in love with.

Over the course of the past two days she'd allowed herself to think, really think about their relationship, whether it was real, whether it was what both of them had wanted. Since she'd told him how she felt, since she'd figured out about him and Rikki she'd just resorted to her usual coping strategy. Denial, denial, denial. Forcing herself to remember, to look back was taking its toll, in tears as well as sleep.

It felt as though her heart broke a little more every time she recalled something from the past, the little details that should have acted as a warning sign that things weren't quite right.

888888

Danny turned and looked at the illuminated numbers of his alarm clock. He'd been awake for almost 24 hours, his mind playing over everything that had happened between him and Lindsay, everything that had happened between him and Rikki.

He groaned as he rolled onto his back, staring blindly up at the ceiling. Rikki. He still felt a pang of guilt every time he thought of her, every time he thought of Ruben. He hadn't really known her all that well before he'd taken Ruben out that day. They'd had conversations in the hall and he'd played ball with Ruben a few times in the square at the back of their apartment block.

The first time he'd really helped her out was when she'd had an accident with a piece of broken glass, cutting up her hand real bad one evening. She'd needed to go to the ER and had knocked on his door asking him to watch over Ruben. She hadn't had family or friends close by and was new to the neighbourhood. She'd told him she felt comfortable asking him because she knew he was a cop and she really didn't want to take Ruben with her. Danny had been happy to help out, he liked the kid and enjoyed spending time with him.

"_So, do you like my mom?" Ruben asked as he stopped for a minute to catch his breath._

_Danny had been helping him to hone his baseball skills in the back yard._

"_Sure I like her," Danny said, a little breathless himself._

"_I miss my dad," Ruben said suddenly._

"_I know buddy," Danny said, ruffling the boy's hair gently._

_Ruben's father had been killed by a drunk driver two years before. Rikki had been left with very little money, having to move from their home to a more affordable apartment and working two jobs to make ends meet. _

"_You got a girlfriend?" Ruben asked._

_Danny knew exactly where the conversation was headed and he desperately tried to think of a way to change the subject._

"_Sure do," he said simply, "Shall we go for another round?" he asked handing the bat to Ruben._

"_She nice?"_

"_She is. Very nice."_

"_What's her name?"_

"_Lindsay. We work together."_

"_Oh. She a cop too?" he asked. At Danny's nod he seemed to contemplate for a moment before speaking again. "Why haven't I seen her around?"_

"_I dunno," Danny said, "we work crazy hours, I guess the times she's here you're probably sleepin'."_

_Preparing to pitch the ball Danny found his mind wandering to Lindsay. Montana. She'd been everything he'd wanted for so long and finally she was his. He couldn't fight the nagging fear in the back of his mind that she wouldn't be his for always, that eventually she'd cotton on to the fact that he wasn't good for her, that he wasn't who she thought he was. He wasn't even sure who he was himself anymore. More to the point he wasn't sure who she was, sometimes he felt as though he didn't know her at all._

"_You gonna throw the ball or just nurse it?" Ruben's exasperated voice penetrated his thoughts._

_With a chuckle Danny suppressed his nagging doubts and focused on the game at hand._

"Who are you Lindsay Monroe?" he asked out loud as he studied the shadows of light and dark that drifted over the room with the rising sun peeking through the gaps in the blinds.

It was a good question. One he still didn't know the answer to. They'd been together for several months, spending at least one if not two nights a week together. Mostly they stayed in, eating take out and watching movies. Occasionally they would go out to watch a game. They had fun, enjoyed each other's company. Really it was an extension of their work relationship in a more relaxed setting. The main difference was that they slept together. Not that they did much sleeping.

With another groan he felt his body tighten at the memory of having her beneath him, surrounding him. He'd been surprised when they first got together at how forward she was, how confident she was in her own skin. He loved that about her. He loved how she responded to him, how every touch of his fingers on her body would cause a response that had him almost convinced it was the first time she'd been touched.

She was the most responsive woman he'd been with; unafraid to show him what she wanted, telling him without words how much she wanted _him_, matching him step for step and giving as much as she took. How the hell he'd managed to fuck it up so spectacularly he was sure.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed he got up, pulling a pair of sweatpants and a jersey from the closet before heading for the bathroom. He knew sleep would continue to evade him and the only answer was to try and exorcise his demons with an early morning run.

888888

Lindsay closed her locker and took a calming breath. Even though she knew Danny wouldn't be around there was still something about being at work that made her nervous. She was sure it was just a response she'd learned from weeks of stealing herself to not give into his requests to talk to her. She'd gotten into the habit of slipping on a mask of composure during work hours that allowed her to 'put up a good front' as Mac had said that time she'd left her evidence unattended. That front had become even more impenetrable after that particular incident.

She leaned her head against the cooling metal as she mentally prepared herself for the day ahead. The sudden swing of the door behind her had her jumping out of her reverie, turning quickly with a smile on her face to greet whoever it was that had just entered the room.

"Hey," she said, her smile wavering only slightly as she was greeted by the serious expression on Don Flack's face.

"Hey Monroe," he said, his eyes holding a note of wariness, "How's it going?"

"Good," she said, "fine . . . . but I'd, um – better get to it."

She attempted to pass him but was stopped by his hand reaching out to rest lightly against her arm.

"Actually," he began, "I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute.

She knew by his expression that what he wanted to say had nothing to do with work. This wasn't part of her plan. She couldn't deal with keeping her work and personal lives separate if he wanted to talk to her about Danny.

"I'm not sure . . . ."

"Please Linds," he said, his tone pleading, "just a couple of minutes."

With a sigh she closed her eyes briefly before reluctantly nodding her head. She sat tentatively on the bench running alongside the far wall, her hands resting in her lap revealing her discomfort as she clasped them together nervously. She felt the bench give as Don sat beside her but she couldn't look at him.

"I just wanted to say I'm really sorry," he said softly, his tone warm.

Her eyes glanced up to meet his gaze. "Sorry?" she questioned, frowning.

"Yeah," he said with a serious expression, "I haven't been fair to you."

"You're _his_ friend Don; I don't expect you to be fair to me," she replied, "That's not how it works."

"That's not the point Lindsay," he said, "I was blaming you because I thought you were messing him around again."

"Like before?" she asked, her expression pained.

"Oh shit! I didn't mean it like that," he said, his expression horrified at his own insensitivity.

"It's true though isn't it?" she asked, "I guess it's not really surprising he shut me out after what I did to him."

"No, Linds I'm sorry," Don said, desperate to appease her in some way, "Jesus, after what you went through none of that was surprising. I think I just saw Danny hurting because of Ruben and it didn't seem as though you were there for him like he needed."

"Well I guess I wasn't," Lindsay said on a bitter laugh, "only problem is it turned out it wasn't me that he needed at all."

Don winced. He really had only wanted to let her know how sorry he was and here he was just making matters worse.

"Look," he said, "Let's start this whole conversation again. I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time, sorry for being so off hand with you these past weeks. I guess I was just worried about him"

"He's lucky to have you."

"We go back a long way."

They sat in silence for a few moments. "So he told you then? About Rikki?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "he told me. He also told me what you did for him the other night. How you looked out for him. I think that was good of you."

"You mean as opposed to burning his clothes and slashing the tires on the Harley?" Lindsay asked with a laugh, surprising herself that she could fall back on humour at a time like this.

"Well that would have been one way to go," Don said with a quick flash of a smile,

"Believe me when I say there have been times these last few weeks that I've been tempted."

"I'm sure."

"The only problem is it's hard to be mad at him all of the time. It's not like he went out and picked her up randomly in a bar. I know Danny's not a cheater. He may have done the worst thing someone can do in a relationship but he did it with the best of intentions if that's at all possible." She wrinkled her nose in a self deprecating way at how lame that sounded to her own ears.

"I know what you mean," Don said, reaching out and placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Where does that leave me?" she asked, her voice cracking slightly and revealing her vulnerability.

Don studied her silently for a moment before speaking. "Well," he said eventually, "it seems to me you have two choices. One, you can turn it in on yourself. If you can't stay mad at him then you can question everything about yourself and tie yourself up in knots, damaging your own confidence and outlook in the process. And to be honest with you Lindsay, I may not know you that well but I do think you've probably done way too much of that in your life already."

Lindsay blinked away the tears that stung her eyes, suddenly feeling vulnerable that despite her efforts to remain closed off from this man and her other colleagues she was actually pretty transparent.

"What's the second choice?" she asked, trying to control the tremor in her voice.

"The way I see it, it's not really a second choice," he said, "It's the only choice."

He looked at her closely and for a moment Lindsay felt the urge to laugh. He'd obviously been taking lessons from Danny in talking to Lindsay Monroe. The way he stooped down to match his gaze directly with hers was in some ways so hauntingly familiar. Only problem was, his eyes were the wrong shade of blue.

"Talk it out. Find out what went wrong, find out why things happened the way they did and find a way to forgive each other and yourselves. Move on. Be that together or apart. But remember that first and foremost you were friends. Do what friends do and help each other out because the way I see it you're both hurting."

"I'm not sure it's that easy."

"No-one said it was easy Monroe," he said, smiling sympathetically, "In fact that's the last thing it will be but if you can understand it better then you take yourself a step closer to forgiveness and that way you don't let it eat you up and affect every relationship you have in the future. You know what that's like? Letting your past dictate everything about you in the here and now? That's what happens when you try and bury it."

Lindsay knew it was a rhetorical question. She knew that Don Flack was fully aware of her coping mechanisms, that he had a pretty good understanding of the psyche of someone who spent so much time putting up their 'good front' and suppressing the negative things in their lives that they inadvertently lost out on potentially great things.

"When did you get to be so wise?" she asked, a teasing smile on her face.

Don matched her smile before gently patting her arm. "You know what they say, you're either a scientist or an artist in this life. I leave all the science to you guys, my specialty is the art of love and other such human emotions."

Lindsay couldn't help the snort of disdain that escaped her lips followed quickly by a barely suppressed giggle.

"What?" he asked, looking affronted. "You don't believe me?"

"Sure I believe you," she said with a roll of her eyes as she stood and smoothed her palms against her trousers, "thanks for the advice Dr Flack."

"Are you disrespecting me Ms Monroe?" he asked as he straightened to his full height beside her, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Me? Never," she replied with a laugh.

"Good," he said with a smile as he cuffed her on the arm in a friendly gesture, "Let's go and catch us some criminals then."

"Sounds good to me."

She followed him out of the locker room, a little brighter than she'd been when she arrived. She'd have plenty of time later to mull over his words. For now she'd once again allow herself to get absorbed by her work.


	4. Never 'just' anything

**Again, thank you for the reviews. Danny and Lindsay move on in their relationship. **

* * *

Finishing off her paperwork she sighed and leaned her head briefly against her forearms. A low groan escaped her lips as she sat up straight and reached once more for her phone. She didn't need to scroll down to find his number; it was already up there on the screen. Considering this was at least the tenth time she'd reached to call him in as many minutes it wasn't much of a surprise.

"Screw it!" she exclaimed after a few more minutes of pondering.

Standing up she threw the phone into her bag, switched off her computer and strode out of the office.

888888

Danny trudged up the stairs to his apartment, cursing under his breath at the elevator being out for the third time that month. Not that it was too much of a climb for someone young and healthy, although he did spare a thought for Mr Rogers at the end of the hall, making a mental note to check if he needed anything from the store later.

He sighed heavily at the prospect of going back to his empty apartment. His psych eval had gone relatively well although they were making a recommendation that he see an external counsellor. It was pretty much what he'd been expecting but with the added bonus that they weren't recommending any extended leave. It was up to Mac but it looked like he'd be going back to work in another week.

He turned the corner as he reached his floor, digging deep in his pocket for his keys. It was only when he looked up again that he noticed the figure on the floor, leaning bag against his apartment door, eyes closed and looking to the world as though she was sleeping. His heart jolted in his chest when he saw her, as he hesitated only momentarily before making his way slowly towards her.

"Linds," he whispered, crouching down so as not to frighten her by looming over her.

She stirred slightly but didn't open her eyes. He took the opportunity to reach out and tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear before calling out to her again. He watched as her eyes flickered open and a confused expression flitted across her face.

"Hey," he said, his expression and tone soft in a way that was so familiar to her.

"Hey," she replied, looking around her before sitting forward suddenly, "shit! I fell asleep."

"That you did," he said with a chuckle as he rocked back on his heels and stood up.

He watched as she rubbed her eyes and tried to orientate herself. As she struggled to haul herself from the floor he reached out a hand to help her. He watched as her eyes went from his hand to her face, doubt and wariness clouding her expression.

"C'mon," he said gently, extending his hand further towards her.

He closed his eyes briefly at the touch of her fingers against his, warmth radiating up his arm. With a gentle tug she was up on her feet but as she swayed a little he moved in closer to offer her a more stable grip. He watched as her eyes were mesmerised by the sight of his hand clasping hers.

"I'm okay," she said, suddenly pulling away from his touch.

He let his arm drop by his side before taking a step towards his door.

"You comin' in?" he asked, his expression hesitant.

"Sure," she replied nervously, looking anything but sure.

"Good," he said, nodding as he swung the door open and stepped back for her to enter before him.

She was surprised to see his apartment sparkling in the glow of the dimming sunlight. It looked cleaner than she'd ever seen it. Not that Danny was particularly untidy but it looked different to normal and it certainly looked different to how she expected it. Flack had already warned her that when Danny goes into his self destructive phase he tends to let things around him go. _Well, he certainly let me go_ she thought, but his apartment seemed fine.

"I've had a bit of time on my hands," he said by way of explanation when he caught her surprised look.

"I see that," she said softly.

"Ya want a drink? Anything?" he asked as he made his way into the kitchen.

Lindsay was suddenly struck with an image of him entertaining Rikki in this apartment and she felt a desperate urge to flee. Taking a deep breath she forced herself to stay strong.

"Actually, can we go out?" she asked, "for a walk or something?"

Danny hesitated at the door of the fridge and she noticed the way the muscles of his back stiffened somewhat. As he turned she saw his pained expression and knew that he hated her discomfort.

"Yeah," he said with a forced smile, "Sure we can."

As he walked back into the living room he caught her gaze and took the opportunity to study her closely for a moment. As much as she wanted to look away her eyes were locked with his.

"Are you okay?" he asked finally.

"Getting there," she responded, "You?"

"Getting there," he echoed.

"Shall we . . .?" she began, nodding in the direction of the door.

"Just give me a sec," he said, "I just wanna go check on old Mr Rogers, the elevator's been out today and he can't manage the stairs. I wanna see if he needs anything."

"Okay," she said as she watched him walk through the door.

Closing her eyes she took a deep steadying breath. This was the Danny she knew, the one she'd fallen in love with. She tried to quell the panic that rose in her chest as she struggled to keep a hold of her composure.

Trying to keep her mind occupied, she turned to the wall behind her and began studying the various sports trophies and medals that sat on top of the cabinet. She'd seen them many times before but had never really studied them. She couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips as she looked at the photo of his junior league baseball team. She knew he was the scrawny one in the middle row, the familiar piercing gaze staring right at her behind his wire framed glasses was a giveaway even if she hadn't.

"_I may have been scrawny but I was fast."_

The memory of that conversation sat heavily with her now. It had been the first time she'd come here, the night they'd ended up on his pool table. He'd caught her laughing at his picture and rallied to his own defence. She'd told him she thought he looked sweet and he'd smiled that crooked smirk, snorting in disdain at her description of him.

She ran her hand across the solid oak cabinet, passed onto him by his grandmother, the woman he cited as responsible for his decision to turn his back on his criminal heritage and earn an honest living. It was only then that she noticed the colourfully wrapped parcel perched on the end of the unit. She gently fingered the green embossed paper and couldn't help but smile at how it was so haphazardly put together. It was typical Danny.

"That's yours."

She visibly jumped at the sound of his voice behind her.

"What?" she asked, colouring slightly with embarrassment that she may have looked like she was snooping, "I don't . . ., I didn't . . ." she stammered.

"It's okay," he assured her, stepping forward and picking up the gift. "It's for you," he said, holding the parcel out to her.

"I don't understand," she began, her fingers reaching tentatively for the offering, "what . . .?"

"It's your birthday present," he said.

She suddenly let go, forcing him to regain his grasp on the gift. "I don't want it," she said hotly.

"Lindsay. Please, I . . ."

"No!" she insisted, stepping further away from him, "you don't get to do this Danny, you don't get to wheedle your way back in with belated presents. You can't fix this by doing that."

As she turned away from him, he reached out to grasp hold of her arm. "Lindsay, Lindsay," he said adamantly, "That's not what I'm trying to do. I haven't just gone out and got this, honestly I haven't. I've had it for a while."

She turned and looked at him, meeting his pleading expression. She knew he was telling the truth.

"I don't understand," she said quietly.

"I didn't forget your birthday," he said. As she was about to protest he raised his hand in a placating gesture. "Please," he begged, "just listen to me."

She watched as he dragged his fingers through his hair in frustration but she remained silent. "I didn't forget your birthday, I just kinda forgot that I remembered."

She blinked in confusion. Shaking her head as if to clear her muddled thoughts.

"I know it sounds crazy," he sighed, "It probably is crazy but I bought this a few weeks before your birthday, before . . . well, before everything went wrong. I found it the other day when I was clearing up."

His eyes pleaded for understanding. "I know it's really lame but I just forgot I had it. I'm not sure how because it was, well it was for you. I'm sorry," he said, throwing his hand out in frustration, "I didn't want . . ."

"It's okay," she said quickly, "I think I understand," she added with a sigh.

"Well I'm glad one of us does because I sure as hell don't."

"It's okay Danny," she repeated, her tone calm and reassuring.

His eyes locked with hers and she saw the pain behind his expression. "Will you take it?" he asked finally.

"I don't know."

"Please," it was a simple word; a request; one that gave her choices, allowed her the option to refuse. But his tone wouldn't let her.

"Okay," she said, holding out her hand and taking the gift.

She studied it for a moment before turning and slipping it into her bag. She may have accepted the gift but she couldn't face opening it in front of him, if at all.

"Shall we go?"

888888

They walked side by side through the park, the balmy air cooled by the soft breeze from the shaded branches above them. The sun was receding in the sky but there was little let up from the heat. They continued to walk in silence, neither really focused on where they were going.

"Shall we . . .?" Danny asked eventually, nodding in the direction of a more secluded area that they approached.

Lindsay nodded and sighed at the same time. She knew it made sense that they sit somewhere alone, there were still things that needed to be said. At the same time she was scared. Talking emotionally had never been her strength, she preferred to bury things in the deep recesses of her mind, damping down the hurt until she almost felt numb. She knew she couldn't do that anymore though. Danny Messer had seen to that. He'd changed her, and now she was terrified that she would have to deal with that change alone; to have her heart open and vulnerable without his strength to support her, that's what scared her more than anything.

She sat on the bench, swayed by the motion of the wood moving beneath his heavier frame as he joined her. The silence once again stretched between them.

"I miss you," he said eventually.

"I miss you too," she replied honestly, her gaze on the landscape in front of them.

"I want you back," he said simply, his tone matter of fact as though there was never any doubt.

She glanced toward him. "How can you be sure?" she asked.

"I just am, you're the one for me Linds. It's always been you."

"I don't trust you."

Her words were like a dagger through his heart, the pain in his chest palpable. She saw his expression of hurt.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm not just saying that to be mean."

"I know that," he replied, "It just . . ., it just reminds me of what an idiot I've been."

"I still love you," she whispered, "I don't know that I could ever stop."

She paused for a moment and he let her words sink in, he felt a frisson of hope at the same time as he knew there was the biggest 'but' in the world coming.

"I just don't know if I can be with you, not like that."

He covered his face with his hands, a part of him wanting to plead with her, wanting to persuade her that he was worth it. But he couldn't do that to her. He knew she had to do this her own way, he knew that if only she could give him a chance that he would prove himself.

"But," she sighed, "I also know that I don't want to be without you. I know that whatever happened you're still the best man I've ever known."

"That says a lot about the men you've known," he said with a self deprecating smile.

He wasn't surprised when she didn't respond. He knew she'd had a tough life, even without the trauma of witnessing her friends murders she'd had it tough. Not that she'd talked to him about it but he knew her mother had died when she was young and that her father had died several years ago. When he'd gone to Montana he'd been surprised to find her staying in a hotel with no friends or family around her. He'd expected to be introduced to the Monroe clan but had discovered that she was it. He felt another wave of guilt engulf him at what he had done.

"What do you want to do?" he asked, a part of him terrified at what her answer might be.

"I don't know," she said softly, "not really. I just know that we can't go back."

"We can," he said, shocking himself with the sudden realisation that he wasn't above begging after all.

She turned to look at him straight on. "We can't," she insisted. "This . . . thing," she gestured between them with her hand, "It wasn't working, it can't have been. If it was then you wouldn't have slept with her."

"That wasn't anything to do with us Lindsay," he said, lurching forward and trying to connect with her, "it wasn't. I just, I just needed to help her, I needed to make up for her losing Ruben and I couldn't do that and think of you. So I had to stop thinking of you."

"And what about the next Rikki?" she asked suddenly, "What about the next woman who is hurt by something you inadvertently do?"

"I wouldn't risk losing you twice," he said, his voice cracking.

"If everything was as it should be between us then you wouldn't have risked losing me once," she insisted.

He sat back heavily against the bench, her words echoing through his mind. As much as he wanted to protest there was a part of him that knew she was right.

"Tell me what you want," he said brokenly.

"I have to let it go."

"Linds no," he sighed, closing his eyes, "please . . . I don't , , ,"

"I have to," she insisted, "At least a part of it. I'm just not sure where to start."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't do this Danny," she said, "I can't have you as the only person in my life who means anything to me, really means anything. I'm so used to keeping people at a distance but then you came along and I let myself be vulnerable, but only with you. It makes me too dependent on you for everything and I can't do that. It's not fair on me and it's not fair on you."

"I want to be that person to you," he growled.

"You know," she began, her eyes locking with his, taking in his pain, "when you walked into that courtroom in Montana you gave me so much more than anyone had done before. You gave me strength. You helped me to do what I needed to do. I need that from you now Danny."

"Whadda ya mean?" he asked in confusion.

"I need you to help me," she said, "I need you to be my friend. That's what I want from you. And I want to be a better friend to you. I want you to help me with that."

"You just want to be friends?" he asked, blinking back the tears that stung his eyes.

"Not 'just' friends Danny," she replied, "I don't want there to be a 'just' about it."

"And that's it?"

"I don't know," she replied, she shook her head as her own tears spilled from her eyes, "I really don't know," she added on a sob that escaped from the confines of her chest.

He watched her for a moment, feeling the helplessness of her pain and his. But then he moved. Swiftly, and without preamble or apology he pulled her into his arms, holding her tight as he tried to absorb her pain, sharing his pain with her.

Lindsay gripped hold of his arms as he gently rocked her against him, his touch warm and comforting in its innocence. She'd always felt safe in his arms and it was probably the main thing she'd missed in the past weeks, that feeling of security that being with him offered. But she knew now that she couldn't just rely on him for her security, she had to rebuild it for herself, not just by pulling away from anyone with the potential to hurt her. No, the one thing that Danny Messer had taught her was that no one person was infallible, no matter how much you tried to make them that way.

"Okay," he whispered over and over, his own voice filled with pain, "Just don't leave me," he pleaded.

"I won't leave you," she promised as she allowed herself to move more tightly into his embrace, "I won't."

8888888

She sat in the middle of her bed examining the parcel, tentatively flicking at the loose folds of paper that were taped together in a random pattern that barely contained what was inside. Taking a deep breath she peeled the edges apart and tried to contain her excitement at what was inside.

Danny had dropped her off at her apartment barely an hour before, dropping a tentative kiss to her brow before leaving with the promise of catching up at the weekend. She didn't have a clue what the future held for them but she also knew that only time would tell. It was only as she was slipping between the cool sheets of her bed that she remembered his gift.

She frowned in confusion as she came across the box that had once contained nothing more than loose tea. She gently shook it and deemed there was another box inside that one. She smiled as she thought of him trying to bury whatever it was in layers of mystery. That was so Danny. Reaching inside she drew out a slightly smaller box, this time a white one that looked suspiciously like it had once contained Chinese take out; this time her fingers traced the smooth veneer of embossed cardboard with what felt like a ribbon around it.

She blinked as she stared at a sight that would've had Stella squealing in delight. The recognisable blue box threw her. The last thing she'd thought Danny would have bought her was jewellery. She wasn't really that type of girl and he definitely wasn't really that type of boy.

With nervous anticipation she tugged at the ribbon, gently lifting the lid to find the cushioned purse within the folds of tissue paper. She tugged at the string, realising straight away that whatever it contained it was small. Opening her palm she gently tilted the purse and shook it, feeling the weight of two charms as they landed in her hand.

She frowned in confusion as she saw the two shiny silver pieces shaped as cars. Peering more closely she felt tears sting her eyes as she was thrown back to a time a few months ago when she felt truly happy.

"_The batmobile did not have a field forensics kit."_

"_In the batmobile's trunk it did," he replied with a smirk._

"_That explains so much."_


	5. Stick with me

**I still own nothing to do with CSI:NY or the character's portrayed**

* * *

"Hey kiddo," Stella greeted as she breezed into Lindsay's office.

Lindsay was miles away, staring out onto the city through the broad expanse of glass that surrounded the New York City crime lab.

"Lindsay?"

" "

Lindsay jumped when she felt a hand land on her shoulder. "Jesus Stel," she gasped, her hand clutching her chest, "ever heard of warning someone before you creep up on them?"

"I did," Stella said, frowning in concern, "twice."

"Oh," Lindsay said, "Sorry, I was miles away."

"About that," Stella began, sitting in Danny's still vacant seat and gesturing to Lindsay to also sit, "what's going on?"

Lindsay frowned as she sat. "What do you mean?"

"I mean every time I've looked over here today you've been staring vacantly in the distance."

"Oh god, I'm sorry Stel. I'll stay late to get all this done and I'll come in early tomorrow," she said gesturing to the paperwork in front of her.

"I'm not worried about the paperwork Lindsay; I want to know what's going on with you."

"Me? I'm fine, honestly. Just one of those days and being relegated to paperwork hasn't helped. I could have done with being more active today, you know. . . ."

"Stop!" Stella said, raising her hand to halt Lindsay in her cheery cover up tirade.

"Sorry," Lindsay sighed, closing her eyes for a moment and resting back in her seat, "sorry," she repeated, opening her eyes and looking at the older woman full on.

Stella smiled sympathetically. "You seen Danny lately?"

"Danny?"

"Yeah," Stella laughed, "You know, so high," she said, gesturing above her head, "cute glasses, event cuter smile, attitude bigger than his mouth which really is saying something, . . . ."

"Yeah, yeah," Lindsay said, "I know who Danny is. Yes, I've seen him."

"How's he doing?"

"Better, I think."

"Things between the two of you?" Stella asked, "And before you close off on me again I'm not prying, I'm just trying to see how things might be around here next week when he comes back."

"It's okay," Lindsay said, "Things haven't really worked out between the two of us so we're going back to being friends."

"I'm sorry," Stella sighed, "How's that for you?"

"Good actually," Lindsay said, "at least it's better than just trying to work together and pretending it's never been anything more."

"So," Stella began, "What has you staring out of the window?"

Lindsay sighed. "I'm just trying to figure a few things out."

"Anything I can help with?" Stella asked.

"No, thank you," Lindsay said, "I'll just get on with this and head on home."

Stella knew she was being dismissed. No-one was as adept at that than Lindsay Monroe when she felt she'd already said too much.

"Okay," Stella said, heading towards the door, "well, you know where I am. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight," Lindsay said, already focusing on the papers in front of her.

She looked up as she heard Stella's sigh as she turned to leave the office.

"Stella!"

The older woman turned.

"Actually, there is something you could help me with."

"Yeah?" Stella said with a smile.

"I'm just, . . . um, I was wondering," she couldn't stop the colour from flooding her cheeks, "if . . . ."

"Yes?" Stella asked, with a frown.

"Well, I know you do some voluntary work at the orphanage you grew up in and I was wondering if they needed any more help," she finally said with a nonchalant shrug.

"You know someone?" Stella asked tentatively.

"Yeah," Lindsay said with a shy grin, "she's five one, not good at personal relationships, but she really wants to get better," she winced at her own honesty, "she's kind of detached herself from most people and she's just realising she needs to do more and stop depending so much on this really sweet guy who is just as fucked up as she is." She finished the sentence with an awkward flourish of her hand, her cheeks now the colour of Stella's scarlet blouse.

Stella couldn't help the laugh that was ripped from her throat. "Oh my god Lindsay Monroe," she said with a broad smile, "that was so, so . . . . . perfect and you," she said pointing at the younger woman, "do not know what you're letting yourself in for."

"I don't?"

"Nope," Stella said with a laugh, "Now pack up your files and come with me."

"Where?" Lindsay said, wincing slightly at Stella's enthusiasm.

"There's no time like the present. Let's get going and when we're done I'll buy you dinner."

888888

Lindsay tried to swallow down the wave of nausea that threatened to engulf her. Taking a deep breath she told herself it was just nerves and that she needed to get over it, after all they'd been friends a lot longer than they'd been lovers.

"Hey! Montana!"

She jumped and turned on her heel, seeing him push through the crowd towards her with his trademark smirk firmly in place.

"Hey," she said with a nervous smile on her face.

She couldn't help but stiffen slightly when he pulled her into his arms briefly before dropping a light kiss to her cheek.

"You okay?" he asked as he pulled back.

"Yeah, sure, I'm fine," she replied, "shall we go?"

Without waiting for his response she turned and started to walk.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ease up there Montana," he said, gripping hold of her wrist easily and swinging her around to face him.

She stood with her eyes cast downwards and shifted awkwardly on her feet.

"What's going on?"

She raised her eyes slightly and blinked, still not able to look directly at him. Not that she needed to though, as always he took care of that, stooping low to gaze directly into her big brown eyes.

"What?" he asked, shaking his head slightly in confusion.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I've just been . . . .," she shrugged lightly, unable to find the words to explain how she was feeling.

"Nervous?" he asked, "scared?"

"I guess," she nodded, finally returning his look and locking her eyes with his.

"Yeah," he said, nodding in understanding, "me too."

"Really?"

"Sure," he said, "this is new territory for both of us. But, I've got plans for us that you will _not_ be able to resist."

She couldn't help the laugh that rose up from her chest. This was the Danny she had first gotten to know.

"Okay cowboy," she said, playing along, "where to?"

"Stick with me Miss Monroe and we won't go wrong," he said, playfully offering her his arm. She took it without hesitation and matched her pace to his as they meandered through the crowds.

888888

Lindsay threw the empty popcorn carton in the trash can as they walked through the foyer.

"That's such a good movie," she said with a smile on her face.

"Yep," Danny said with a grin, "two of the greatest characters on screen."

"And the cutest," Lindsay quipped.

She smirked at the scowl on his face.

"What?" she asked.

"Since when did you become such a girl Montana?"

"I don't know any _woman_," she emphasised, "who could resist the combination of Paul Newman and Robert Redford."

"Jeez," Danny hissed jokingly, "if I'd known you'd get all giddy over a couple of guys old enough to be your grandfather then I wouldn't have brought you here."

"Why did you?" she asked.

"I guess I thought you might need a touch of that country air you seem so fond of."

"I'm not sure the air was up to much but the Butch and Sundance were great," she said, nudging his arm with her shoulder as they made their way along the street, "thanks."

"You're welcome Montana," Danny said, trying to ignore the spark that shot through him at their close proximity, "and it's not over."

"What's next?" she asked, her expression excited.

"Stick with me Ms Monroe," he quipped, crooking his arm so she could link her arm with his, and sighed in relief when she didn't balk, "I'm full of surprises."

"How many times are you gonna say 'stick with me Ms Monroe'?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

"As many as it takes Linds, as many as it takes."

She caught his look and rolled her eyes again, refusing to give into the chill that ran through her, refusing to allow the thought that he should have stuck with her to penetrate more than the peripheries of her consciousness.

"Okay then cowboy," she said with a beaming smile, "bring on the surprises."

888888

They sat on the bench in the middle of Washington Square Park, listening to the soft melodic sounds from the jazz musicians across from them, the empty pizza box resting at their feet. Lindsay leaned back against the bench and sighed.

"What ya sighin' for Montana?" Danny asked softly as he shifted to look at her.

"This is nice," she said.

"Yeah, it is," Danny replied, "It's kinda different for us, no?"

"I guess," Lindsay said, suddenly tensing slightly.

"Hey now," Danny was quick to say, his tone concillatory, "don't you start doin' that."

"Doing what?" she asked, narrowing her eyes in confusion.

"That . . . .," he gestured wildly with his hand, "thing you do, . . . . shutting off because something feels uncomfortable. You don't gotta do that Linds."

"I just, . . .", she sighed again, unable to put into words what was on her mind.

"What?" he whispered, leaning in close, "Just tell me what you're thinkin'"

Lindsay's eyes dropped to the ground in front of her before she looked up and settled her gaze on his face.

"I was just wondering why we never did stuff like this when we were together, that's all."

'When we were together'. Danny let the words play through his mind, allowing him to remember that they weren't actually together right now, reminding him that tonight they wouldn't be curling up together; there would be no goodnight kiss, no battle for the upper hand when they finally slid beneath the sheets of either one of their beds.

"There was always other stuff to do," he suggested softly, "work; a beer with the guys afterwards; sitting at home watching movies; grabbing a pizza at Mario's," he paused for a moment, thinking about what else they used to do together, aside from the obvious physical side of their relationship. In between their crazy work schedules and just hanging out at home they hadn't really done much. _Drinks, dinner, a few laughs. _

He studied her for a moment, the way her gaze had drifted towards the band still playing across the way, the way her shoulders were now tense in direct contrast to how she'd been relaxed only moments before.

"Maybe we should have just stayed being friends," she whispered quietly a minute later, "maybe that's what we were meant to be all along."

"You really think that?" he asked.

"Don't you?"

Eyes drifted back to his, once again he was reminded of the pain she was in, the pain he had caused.

"If you're asking me to regret you Lindsay Monroe then I can't do that," he said softly, "I never could. Whatever happens now, wherever we go from here I can't deny that I wanted you to be mine, for so long I wanted that."

"Yet here we are," she said, indicating the space between them, the inches that separated them on that bench in the park, a space that would have been inconceivable to both of them a few months before.

"Where are we?" he asked, his expression serious, "because I know I can't deny that right here, right now I still want you."

"I know," she sighed. It was the truth, she did know. She believed him. "I can't settle for here and now Danny, not any more."

"I know that," he said, "I do, . . . I just . . ." He couldn't find the words to say what was in his heart, he wasn't even sure that she'd want to hear them.

"It's okay," she said, forcing a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, "I'm sorry for ruining a nice day."

"You didn't ruin nothin' Montana," he said, matching her effort with a smile of his own. _Nah Messer you jerk_ he thought to himself, _you managed that all on your own_.

"Come on," he said, standing and picking up the empty pizza box before turning and pulling her up from her seat, "let's go see what else I have planned for us."

"No more 'stick with me's' Messer, . . . please," she said with a smile.

"Yeah, I wouldn't wanna get repetitive now would I?" he asked with a smirk.

He dropped the pizza box in the trash on their way out of the park. Neither one of them took notice of the fact that her hand was still firmly clasped in his.


	6. Demons

Lindsay tried to quell the excitement that ran through her. Christmas was fast approaching and things in her life were looking up. She thought back to the day before when Mac had called her and Danny into his office.

"_What do you think we did?" Danny asked, bouncing nervously on his heels._

"_Well I don't know about you Messer but I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything," she said, a slow teasing smile lighting her face._

_Danny blinked as he looked at her, struck suddenly by the way everything about her seemed so much lighter. Lighter than he'd ever seen her. It had been eight months since she'd broken up with him, eight months during which he'd managed to redeem himself as her friend. He couldn't have been happier with how things had turned out, except maybe for times like these when just the little things about her reminded him he wanted more. At times he thought she did too but it was her decision, her call. _

_Their friendship had evolved to spending most of their down time together, they were virtually a couple except for the lack of sex and any defined commitment. Not that he minded, most of the time. He knew that she'd already given him so much more than he deserved._

_Danny turned sharply as Mac entered the room, carrying a file. _

"_Whatever I did I'm sorry," Danny said quickly on a rush of exhaled air, "Tell me what I need to do and I'll do it."_

_Mac stopped as he approached his desk, observing the younger man with a blank expression on his face. He turned to Lindsay and arched a brow questioningly._

"_You didn't tell him?" he asked._

"_Tell me what?" Danny jumped in before Lindsay could respond, his eyes narrowing on her down turned head at her position on Mac's couch._

_Suddenly she looked up, her expression barely containing the mirth that bubbled below the surface. She shrugged lightly._

"_Lindsay . . . .," Mac warned, himself unable to hide the smile that was twitching at his lips._

"_Ohhhh," she said, as though suddenly realisation finally hit her. She turned to Danny, "Sorry," she said, "I forgot to say that Mac wanted to see us because he had some good news."_

"_Good . .? But you . . ., you told me he was mad," Danny said, his hands gesturing in frustration._

"_Lindsay!" this time Mac's tone held a slightly admonishing note to it, but not enough to wipe the smile from his face._

"_Montaaanaa," Danny whined, pointing his finger at her, "you're gonna be sorry ya know?"_

_Lindsay giggled, she loved how his accent thickened when he was threatening her with payback._

"_Sit down Danny," Mac said as he turned towards his desk._

_Danny sat, but not before he snuck his hand out and lightly pinched Lindsay on the arm. She scowled back at him, fighting down a laugh._

"_So," Mac began as he settled into his office chair, "I've been meaning to talk to you both for a while," he said, looking at their expectant faces, "I wanted to ask if you both wanted to be considered for second grade detective."_

"_Wow," Lindsay said, turning towards Danny with a smile._

_Danny looked shell shocked. He struggled to find the words._

"_But you . . . .," his voice trailed off as his surprise was overpowering him._

"_You don't want it?" Mac asked._

"_What? No," Danny suddenly found his voice, "I didn't say that, but you took me off the promotion grid."_

"_And I decided to put you back on it."_

"_You're putting me back on the grid?" Danny asked._

"_I said 'put' not 'putting," Mac replied simply, his smile widening._

"_Huh?"_

_Danny shook his head in confusion while Lindsay felt her own smile widening even further, comprehension dawning on her._

_Mac slid two files across his desk, one for each of them._

"_Congratulations," he said._

"_Congratuwhat?" Danny asked, still reeling from this surprising turn of events, "I'm not sure I'm getting you Mac."_

"_I put you back on the grid six months ago Danny," the older man said, "you made second grade, congratulation, to both of you."_

"_We both got it?" Danny asked, still somewhat confused._

"_You did," Mac said, "I think what clinched it was the work you both did on the Brooklyn homicides a couple of months ago, you cracked it between you and it put you both on the radar of the higher ups."_

"_Wow," Danny said, turning to Lindsay who was still beaming, "wow!"_

_Mac grabbed his jacket from the arm of the couch, "Sullivan's in ten," he said, "the rest of the team are already there."_

"_Thanks Mac," Danny said turning to offer his hand to his boss._

_Mac took his hand then pulled him into a one armed hug. "I'm proud of you."_

_Danny pulled back, trying to control his tumultuous emotions and watched as Mac enveloped Lindsay in a hug, "you too," he said before heading out._

_Lindsay watched as Danny's emotions flitted across his face, taking a step towards him she reached up and wrapped her arms around him. Danny buried his face in her hair, his own arms wrapping around her waist._

"_You did good," Lindsay whispered._

"_You too Monroe, you too," Danny replied, his voice muffled by her hair._

_8888888_

Lindsay was shaken out of her thoughts by the tiny hand tugging on her sleeve.

"Miss Linds, will you help me?" Olivia, a five year old with cute curls and an even cuter smile asked her.

"Of course sweetie," Lindsay replied, "what do you need?"

"I can't get my angel wings on," she replied with a frustrated sigh.

"Well that just won't do will it?" Lindsay said, "let's see what we can do."

She caught Stella's bright smile and offered one of her own. She loved coming to the orphanage with Stella. They had turned it into a weekly girl's night where they came and played with the children, helped them with their homework and generally took their volunteer jobs seriously.

Tonight was a little different though; they were getting ready to perform the nativity, a time in every child's life when their parents should be there to watch them. Lindsay battled down that thought, she was not going to let it get to her, not tonight. She had to keep reminding herself that these children had it better than some, they were surrounded by love.

Okay, they didn't have families but they had created their own family. Lindsay knew that no all orphanages or homes were like this one but she also had come to realise it was the likes of Stella Bonasera who made this a better place. And now she, Lindsay Monroe was a part of that, a part of something good that came from dozens of stories of tragedy and neglect.

Here she felt like she could make a difference, not like at work where making a difference required seeing the darker side of life, here she could just be herself without feeling like she had a point to prove. It was little girls like Olivia Martin who had taught her that.

"My new Mommy and Daddy are coming to the play," Olivia said excitedly.

"You're new . . . .?"

"Oh," Mrs Carson, the manager of the home chimed in, "did we not tell you? I'm sorry dear," she said, squeezing Lindsay's arm gently, "Olivia has been placed with a family. They already have two children, both older than Olivia. She's going to be so happy there, they're a lovely family."

"Oh," Lindsay said, trying to disguise her sadness as she turned to Olivia, "that's great honey, I'm so happy for you, that's so exciting."

"I know," Olivia said, "I've got two new brothers as well," she added before dancing off once she'd got her angel wings in place.

Lindsay stared after her, taking a moment to watch as the little girl stood with all the others at the front of the stage. She blinked at the tears that stung her eyes succeeding a little in controlling her emotions as she watched the other 'helpers' run around trying to get everything ready.

She and Stella had drafted in help from the lab. They were all there; Mac, Flack, Angell, Adam, Hawkes and Sid. All except Danny. Another wave of emotion caught her by surprise at the memory of Danny's face when he told her he couldn't help.

"_I just don't know if I'm ready to be around kids at the moment Linds," he'd sighed, "it's coming up to a year since Ruben, and I, . . . . ."_

She remembered how his words had lodged in his throat, how he'd tensed when she tried to pull him into a hug. She'd hidden the hurt she'd felt at his rejection of her support behind her usual façade. But now, all of a sudden it all became too much. She turned on her heel and fled.

"Linds," Don called out to her, "you okay?"

"I'm fine," she replied with a small, watery eyed smile, "I just need a moment."

She burst through the front door, the icy chill of winter hitting her as tears swam in her eyes, a few rolling down her cheeks.

"Linds?"

Her head snapped up at the familiar tone of the man a few feet in front of her, hovering at the other end of the path. Despite her tears she knew who it was.

"Hey, hey," Danny said, quickly moving towards her and taking her face in his hands, "Montana, what is it? What happened?"

Lindsay couldn't fight the strangled sob that was forced from her, despite her efforts to will it back down. Instead she allowed herself to bury her face in his neck, her tears soaking through to his skin. Danny wrapped his arms around her, letting her cry it out while he rested his chin on the top of her head.

He watched as Don Flack stepped out onto the path in search of his obviously distressed colleague. Seeing her with Danny he just raised his hand in greeting and, with a small smile he turned and walked back into the warmth.

A few minutes later Lindsay raised her head. "I'm sorry," she said, sniffing and wiping the back of her hand across her face.

"What happened?" he asked, his eyes boring into her as if by sight alone he'd figure out the solution to everything.

"It's stupid really," she said, "just one of the girls, Olivia, . . . ."

Danny nodded, acknowledging that he remembered Olivia from their conversations.

"She's found a family. And I'm so happy for her, she's so adorable and apparently they're a lovely family, but I . . ., I . . ." She stopped then as tears threatened once more.

"You're gonna miss her," Danny supplied, brushing her hair away from her tear stained cheeks.

"Yes," she nodded, "and then I started thinking about you and Ruben and I . . . . ."

"It's okay," Danny said, his own eyes filling at the mention of the boy. "It's okay Montana, I get it."

"I'm sorry," she sighed, "you didn't have to come, I know this is hard for you. Honestly," she said, trying to muster a smile, "you don't have to be here."

"I want to," he said, gently resting his forehead against hers, "I want to be here, with you."

"Oh," she gasped, "okay."

Danny let out a chuckle at her obvious surprise. "It's not that much of a revelation surely?"

"No," she said with a smile, "I guess not."

They stood close to each other for a few more moments before Lindsay turned, tugging him along with her.

"Come on, we need more brawn in here anyway."

"Glad to be of use Montana," Danny quipped as he followed her.

888888

Lindsay kept a close eye on him, watching as he started off hanging decorations, doing everything in his power not to have to interact too much with the children. But it wasn't to be. They swarmed around him like bees around honey. There was something about Danny Messer that made him interesting, even to small children.

"He's doing good," Stella said as she came and stood next to her, "in less than an hour he's completely changed around them."

"Yeah," Lindsay said with a smile, "they kinda have that affect on you."

"They do. Best therapy ever."

"That's so true Stel," Lindsay said with a laugh.

As the other woman moved to walk away Lindsay grabbed her hand. "Thank you," she said, no other words necessary.

"You're more than welcome sweetie," Stella said as she pulled Lindsay into a hug and kissed her resoundingly on the cheek. "Now come on kiddo, let's get this show on the road," she added as she pulled back.

Lindsay watched her for a moment with a smile on her face. She turned sideways to check on Danny before moving away completely and she caught his eye. She breathed a sigh of relief as he smiled back at her just before little Joey Davies tugged on his hand and distracted him.

8888888

"Can I walk you home Ms Monroe?"

Lindsay pulled her hat down on her head, leaving a few wayward curls poking out.

"Why Mr Messer," she drawled in an exaggerated country accent, "how very gentlemanly of you."

"Yeah Montana," he smirked before holding out a hand to capture hers, linking their fingers, "that's me."

She couldn't fight the laugh that bubbled up in her chest, nor did she want to.

88888888

She knew Danny was keeping a low profile today, absorbing himself in his work, trying to pretend that it was any other day.

Except it wasn't. Today was a whole year since his world fell apart. Twelve months since that little boy's life was so cruelly snatched away. Three hundred and sixty five days since Danny Messer had been blaming himself for something beyond his control.

She walked into the break room and stopped suddenly, seeing him before her, casually staring into his open locker.

"Hey," she said softly as she walked up behind him.

"Hey," he replied, his eyes resting on her but not really focusing.

"You want to get together later?" she asked softly.

He sighed. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice devoid of all emotion, "I just think I should be on my own for a bit ya know?"

"Sure," she said quickly, determined not to be hurt by his words. She reached out her fingers to brush against his, still resting against his locker. "If you change your mind I'm here," she whispered.

"Thanks," he said, still unable to properly look at her.

"Okay," she said, "well I've got to go, still got another hour on the clock. See you."

He did look at her then, and for a moment Lindsay saw a flash of emotions behind his glasses. She couldn't help herself, she felt compelled to touch him. Standing on her toes she reached up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, ignoring the way his arms hung limply at his sides.

After a moment she pulled back but was startled to feel his hands settle at her waist, his arms tightening around her and bringing her back against his chest.

"Sorry," he said, relaxing into her for a brief moment.

"It's fine," she replied as they broke apart, "you do what ya gotta do," she added in a poor attempt at mimicking his accent.

The glimmer of a smile on his face showed her he appreciated her attempt at lightening the situation.

"Okay, I'll see you later then."

As she got to the door of the locker room, his voice stopped her.

"Actually," he began, a tremor of uncertainty in his voice, "you wanna come round after your shift? Pizza, a few beers?"

"Sure," she said with a smile, "I'd like that."

"Good," he replied, "I'm just gonna go see . . . . ." he broke off in frustration.

"See Ruben?" she asked.

"Yeah," he sighed, dragging his coat on and trying to hold it together.

"Okay," Lindsay said, knowing that he didn't need her to say any more.

888888

She pulled her coat closer around her body in an attempt to ward of the icy breeze. She could smell the pending snow in the air. Chuckling to herself she could imagine Danny's expression if she told him that one_. 'You can smell the snow? Seriously? You gotta be kidding me Montana."_

She scanned the road, waiting for the traffic to stop so she could cross over to the cemetery. She'd waited outside his apartment for ten minutes before deciding to venture out to meet him, hoping to catch him on the way home. But she hadn't so she could only assume he was still visiting with Ruben. At first she thought he might have gone to the store. After all, two hours was a long time to be standing out in the cold. She'd tried calling him but his cell was switched off, she could only presume he'd done that out of respect. As CSI's they rarely switched off their phones.

She jumped from one foot to the other in an effort to get warm then sighed in relief as the traffic stopped and she could cross the road. Moving with the throng of people she continued to scan the crowd in the hope that he'd materialise in front of her and they'd be able to get into the warmth more quickly.

A second later he did materialise. But he didn't look cold; in fact he looked warm and comfortable, sitting in the window seat of the coffee shop in front of her. He wasn't alone. She could make out the small, dark haired figure of a woman, sitting close to him, their heads almost touching.

Lindsay stopped halfway across the street, recognition hitting her in the middle of her chest.

"Rikki," she whispered, that single name having the ability to bring her world crashing down around her.

She stood frozen right up until the blaring sound of a half dozen car horns reminded her of where she was.

Ignoring the looks of people startled by the noise, she turned and ran back the way she came, her feet carrying her of their own volition.

To anyone watching her she looked like someone being chased by their demons.


	7. Test of Faith

She hopped up onto one of the stools that lined the bar.

"Whiskey," she said, signalling the bartender, "straight."

She ignored the look he gave her and concentrated on trying to quell the nausea that had erupted in her body. She took a few deep breaths, calming her rapid heart at the same time. Block it out, just block it out, she told herself over and over.

By the time she drained her fifth shot she realised that nothing would block out the pain that had settled in her chest. That was the old Lindsay. This Lindsay couldn't do that anymore.

She didn't want to cry. She hated crying. She was a Monroe for god's sake. Monroe's didn't cry. The sound of her father's voice filled her head. _Just pull yourself together girlie, be thankful that God saw fit to save you. _And that's what she'd done, she'd focused all her strength, all her energy on hiding the pain that the death of her friends had caused, the guilt that had engulfed her as the only survivor. But she couldn't hide from this, not now, not anymore. She'd made her choice all those months ago, a decision to start living life without walls or barriers, to let in the good and risk letting in more of the bad.

A part of her wondered why she was so upset. They hadn't made each other any promises. Really though, she knew she was just kidding herself, they'd made an unspoken promise, _he'd_ made an unspoken promise; to be there, to wait until she was ready. She let her head rest against her arms. He loved her didn't he? She'd believed that with all of her heart. She couldn't believe that he would betray her again.

She lifted her head and caught the eye of the bartender and he moved forward to refill her glass.

"Sometimes things aren't as bad as they seem," he said knowingly.

"Yeah?" she asked.

He just smiled before retreating to the other end of the bar. Not as bad as they seem? Could that be true? What reason would Danny have to spend time with Rikki?

And then it hit her. Ruben. One year. Rikki, his mother. Cemetary.

She groaned as realisation crept through her and a scenario played out in her head. It was natural that both he and Rikki would visit Ruben today, understandable that they might bump into each other. They'd both be upset. Danny would feel guilty, offer comfort. Last time his comfort had involved sex, this time coffee. It made perfect sense even to her befuddled mind.

Jumping down from the bar, she wavered slightly as she scrambled through her purse, seeking out enough bills to pay for her drinks. Throwing them down on the counter she made her way towards the door, weaving through the throng of people who seemed determined to stand in her way.

As the cold air hit her she realised just how inebriated she was. Glancing at her watch she saw that it was coming up to nine.

"Damn," she cursed, stumbling to the edge of the sidewalk and reaching out to hail a cab.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," she muttered to herself.

A part of her still wondered, a part of her that still hesitated to trust him completely. But, as much as she struggled to comprehend him sleeping with Rikki the first time, now it just didn't make sense. She feared that she was wrong, feared that today he'd once again been overwhelmed by his guilt and had reacted to the need for comfort, the need for absolution.

But no, he wouldn't do that, would he? She cursed as once again doubt flooded her mind. Sighing in relief she yanked open the door of the cab and almost fell inside. Giving the driver his address she let her head roll back against the seat. A faint beeping sound penetrated her consciousness and she sat forward to scramble through her bag in search of her phone, the sound alerting her to a missed call or text.

"Shit," she groaned as she saw she had four missed calls. Scrolling through it was no surprise that they were all from him.

She knew he wouldn't be calling her if he was having sex with Rikki. Maybe a message to tell her he was too tired, too weary to see her, that he'd see her at work.

"Nine-fifty," the cab driver said as he pulled up outside Danny's apartment block.

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Danny continued to pace the living room, unable to contain his frustration, his hurt. Today wasn't supposed to be about them, today was Ruben's. The dull thud at his door prompted him to change the course of his pacing.

She stood before him, head bent, her body swaying slightly with the effort it took to hold herself up. Her eyes lifted, scanning his features, seeing his pain.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He just stood there, waiting for more. She just shrugged her shoulders lightly as though no reasonable explanation would come to her. As she swayed a little too far to the left he reached out and grabbed her, steadying her with his strong grip before pulling her in and slamming the door shut behind them.

"You're drunk," he said, stating the obvious.

Lindsay watched as he folded his arms across his chest. "You're angry," she whispered.

He arched his brow. "Should I be?"

Lindsay moved to the couch and sat down heavily. "I thought . . ., I thought. . .", she sighed, "I don't know what I thought."

"Let me help you out there," Danny said as he sat on the table in front of her, his knees either side of her legs, almost touching but not quite. "You saw me with Rikki and you bolted."

Lindsay looked at him sharply. "How did you . . .?"

"Know?" he asked with a harsh laugh, "I saw you."

"Oh!"

She watched as he reached for the glass resting beside him, noting the familiar amber liquid that he swirled around for a moment, as though transfixed by the darkness it offered. She continued to watch as he threw back his head and downed every last drop of what could only be a triple shot.

"Well," he said, his eyes once again meeting hers, "ya want one?"

Staring at his retreating back as he made his way to the kitchen, Lindsay was struck by just how fucked up this all was. Realising she was actually beginning to sober up she decided it wouldn't do either of them any good to just sit there and get wasted.

"Dan," she said softly as she lifted herself up from the couch and followed him, "I don't think this is a good idea."

His laugh held only a hint of the bitterness he felt. "See, that's where we disagree Montana," he said, "I think it's a fantastic idea. Our very own pity party. What could be better?"

He handed her a glass that was almost two thirds full.

"Cheers," he said as he clinked their glasses.

"Dan . . ."

"What Montana?" he asked harshly as he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and placed the now empty glass on the counter.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I shouldn't have thought the worst."

"Ya know what Montana?" Danny said, taking a step closer to her, "I don't wanna talk."

Lindsay flinched as his hand reached to gently caress her cheek before his fingers moved to tangle in her hair. She closed her eyes as he tugged her towards him, the warmth from his whiskey fuelled breath brushing across her moth and causing her breath to hitch in her throat.

She pulled back. "Danny, stop."

"Stop what?" he asked, frowning in confusion as he snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him.

"Please."

"You know Montana," he said with a laugh, "there was a time when you'd be sayin' please in an entirely different tone."

"I can't do this," she said, shoving at him until his arms fell to his sides.

"Can't do what?" he asked, shaking his head before running his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"This," she said, gesturing between them, "I really am sorry about today. I wanted to be there for you but there's too much in the way. We need to talk about it but we've both been drinking. I'm just going to go," she said handing him her glass and turning around in search of her bag.

She hesitated in her retreat at the sound of his next words.

"What do I gotta do to get you to trust me?" he asked in frustration.

Lindsay sighed and turned back to face him. "I do trust you," seeing his disbelieving expression, "I do Danny," she added. "It was a shock that's all. I came back didn't I?"

"Maybe you shouldn't trust me," he whispered, his words barely audible.

Lindsay's mouth opened in shock. "What?" she asked, taking a step towards him, "What are you talking about? Did something happen?"

"No," he said, his eyes locking with hers. "But I thought about it."

For a moment Lindsay thought her heart had stopped then a sudden thud in the centre of her chest started a tumultuous beat that had her knees buckling, forcing her to back into the couch. She swallowed against the bile that rose in her throat as she sat, hands clasped together in her lap to stop them trembling from trembling.

"You wanted to?" she asked, her gaze fixed on the wall in front of her.

"I wanted to stop her crying," he said, his voice hoarse, "I couldn't stand the crying."

Lindsay felt her own tears reappear on her face. How ironic was that? He proclaimed to love her but he thought about betraying her again to stop another woman's tears.

She felt the couch dip as he sat down heavily beside her. But the space between them was vast, at least that's how it felt to the two of them.

"You wanted to comfort her," Lindsay said, still not looking at him.

"I wanted to take her pain," he said, "I wanted to not feel responsible for that anymore. But I am, I'm always going to feel responsible."

Lindsay nodded. "What stopped you?" she asked.

"I knew it wouldn't work, it wouldn't make a difference. To either of us. Not this time."

Lindsay was grateful that his response hadn't been a simple 'you'. She didn't want that pressure, the responsibility for him and his actions.

"If you'd thought it would make a difference would you have done it?" she asked.

"I don't know," he said, his head bent, face buried in his hands so his words came out muffled.

Another jolt of pain shot through her. She leaned back and brought her knees up and into her chest, circling her arms around them and hugging herself tightly. She didn't know what to say. Here he was saying he'd thought about sleeping with Rikki again, that he might actually have gone through with it if he'd thought it would help her.

"I think you should go," he said after a moment, "I'll call you a cab," he added, picking up the phone and reading the number off the card on his wall. He never let her flag down a taxi at this time of night, preferring to use the private hire company that was run by a friend of Flack's.

Lindsay just watched him. "That's it?" she asked, her voice hollow.

"What else is there to say?" he asked, "I don't want to hurt you, I never meant for any of this to happen."

"But you didn't _do_ anything," Lindsay said, "we can talk about it, we can . . . ."

"No!" he said sharply, too sharply he thought as he saw her jump a little. "This can only end badly for us Lindsay, don't you see that? Don't you get it?"

"No!" she said, "No I don't. I don't get any of this, I don't get how one minute you can say you love me then the next you turn around and tell me you considered sleeping with another woman. I don't get why you're ending this before it's even really begun again."

She swiped at her tears, her eyes focused on the watery image of the man she loved, still standing by the phone.

"You deserve someone who can treat you better," he said as though it was as simple as that, "you deserve to be happy."

"You make me happy," she replied, her breath catching on a tiny mewling sob that escaped her throat.

"Do I Lindsay?" he asked, walking towards her, "do I really? Sure," he said, shrugging nonchalantly, "we have happy times but really everything between us has been fucked up since it began. Think about it," he took a pause, turning around and running his fingers through his hair, "if it hasn't been one of us pushing the other away it's been one of us in pain and the other not knowing how to help. It's always been that way."

"It doesn't have to be, we were doing good," she said, "we were . . . ."

"Headin' in the exact same direction. You honestly think that saying we're friends yet behaving like a couple in every way except for the bedroom department is going to make that much of a difference? This was never about sex Linds."

"I never thought . . . ."

"I don't mean me and you," he said gesturing between them, "I mean me and Rikki," he added, pointing in the direction of his bedroom, "Most guys say it's just sex. But that's not what it was like. I caused her pain and I wanted to be the one to take it away and the only thing I had to give her was me. If I'd had money I'd have given her that. I'd have done anything to stop her pain and I wouldn't have given you a second thought, I didn't give you a second thought. I even talked to you on the phone while she was next door and as soon as I hung up we started right back up again."

Lindsay felt anger knotting her stomach, the cruelty of his words stunning her with their intensity. She couldn't have uttered a word even if she'd wanted to.

"Nothing's changed," he said, "I'm still that same guy. You need someone who can give you happiness, someone who will cherish you and care for you, give you babies and . . . . ."

He broke off then, turning away from her as his voice cracked. Lindsay frowned, his words going from painful to downright unbelievable in the merest of minutes. This wasn't the man who'd been her friend for the past few months, the one who had done everything within his power to win back her trust. She could almost get why he'd thought about sleeping with Rikki again, after all if the woman had been distressed and deep down Danny feels he was responsible then it might make sense that he'd thought about it; for a moment. She didn't like it, but she had been prepared to try and work through it.

What didn't make sense was the way he'd suddenly turned into the stranger in front of her. Her thoughts were stopped by the sound of the door buzzer.

"She'll be down in a minute," she heard him say into the intercom.

He then walked to the door and held it open, his head bent and refusing to look at her.

"It's easier this way," he said as she clambered to her feet and walked slowly to the door.

She wasn't crying, that kind of surprised her. But, maybe she'd cried all her tears. Maybe she had no more to give. She hesitated in the doorway for a moment but still he refused to look at her. She reached out her hand, something driving her to touch him, but at the last minute she stopped. Then she did what he'd asked.

She turned and walked away, hearing the door slam shut behind her.

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She took the stairs, wanting a moment to process what had just happened. Something inside of her was trying to grapple with the lack of reality of what had just happened.

As she reached the bottom and stepped out into the cold night air she hesitated, looking back at the door as it swung closed with a click. She approached the car, immediately recognising John, one of the regular drivers.

"Ms Monroe," he greeted as he stepped out of the car and moved to open the door, "you alright?" he asked, his expression concerned.

John Carter was a kindly man, the type of man who had 'father' stamped all over him.

"I'm not sure to tell you the truth," she stated blankly.

"C'mon," he urged, let's get you out of the cold while you decide what you want to do.

She climbed in, settling in the back seat as John climbed in the driver's side. He turned to look at her. "Where you wanna go?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"Something happen?"

"I don't know."

John turned and settled in his seat. "I've got time," he said, "quiet night at this time. Let me know when you've decided what you want to do," he paused, glancing at her through the rear view mirror, "or if you need help deciding."

Lindsay knew it was his way of not intruding, of telling her he'd listen if she wanted to talk. They sat in silence.

"John?" The silence had lasted for nearly ten minutes.

"Yeah?" he said, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

"Why would a man who loves you tell you to leave? Tell you that it's not working and that you deserve better?"

"It's hard to say," he said, "I guess it depends on what else is going on."

"He's upset, grieving. He feels responsible for the death of a child, he feels responsible for the child's mother."

"Was he?" John asked.

"It wasn't his fault, there was nothing he could do."

John nodded.

"I don't know what to do," Lindsay sighed.

John turned around in his seat and looked directly at her. "You talking about Messer I take it?"

She nodded. For a moment she'd forgotten that John probably knew Danny relatively well. After all, John was a friend of Don Flack's family and would likely have come across Danny on many an occasion.

"Then ya know what I think?" he asked, "I think ya need to get back in there and tell him what's what. You need to tell him he's talking crap, that you love him and no one is better for you than the one you love. Don't believe him, he's just trying to stop from hurting you. He just has a warped way of doing it."

"That's what I thought," Lindsay said, smiling at him.

That's why the whole situation had seemed so unbelievable. Because it was.

"Thanks John," she said, digging her hand in her purse for some cash.

He stopped her by resting his hand on top of hers. "Advice is free," he said with a smile.

"Thanks John," Lindsay said again, leaning over and pressing a light kiss to his cheek.

"Don't let him give ya any shit," he said, "but in case he does I'll just wait here and have a nap for a while. You'll know where I am."

"Okay," she said, nodding as she slipped out of the car.

Digging out the spare keys to his apartment she quickly opened the door and headed in.

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Her heart ached as she saw him resting on his side on the bed, staring blankly at the wall. He didn't move, didn't acknowledge her. She couldn't even say if he knew that she was there.

The silent tears running down his face were testament to the pain he was in, to the grief that had once again overwhelmed him. She understood that now. She knew that he'd been again pushing her away but this time she reacted differently. This time she refused to go.

Slipping off her shoes, she climbed onto the bed, settling behind him as he still didn't move or acknowledge her presence. She inched closer, bringing her body up against his, her arm reaching around him until her palm pressed lightly against his chest.

"I won't go," she whispered, "you can try and make me but this time I won't go."

The only response was the feel of his fingers entwining with hers.


	8. Closure

Danny opened his eyes, blinking against the grit that marred his vision. Lifting his head from the pillow he groaned at the dull pain that settled there. He relaxed back, his mind trying to piece together what had happened the night before, his last memory of Lindsay curling in behind him and refusing to go, refusing to believe the words that had come from his mouth.

He looked down at her, at how their positions had changed during the course of the night. She was in her spot, facing away from him, her back against his chest so he was virtually curled around her, protecting her. It had been a long time since he'd woken up with her like this. The last time he'd woken with a woman in his bed was Rikki, yet he didn't cuddle Rikki, she wasn't a part of him, no when he'd woken up with Rikki they'd both been facing away as though in sleep they naturally turned away from what they'd done.

Rikki. He sighed. What had he done? What the hell had forced him to press the self destruct button again and say all those things to Lindsay? He knew she was awake, he could tell by the rise and fall of her chest, the way her breathing hitched every now and then.

Keeping one arm wrapped tightly around her waist, he moved the other from beneath the pillow and smoothed his fingers across her hair.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey," she responded, her voice small, full of hurt.

He closed his eyes for a moment. As much as he hoped her coming back to him last night meant she hadn't believed what he'd said, he knew she'd been affected by his words, by the mere fact he'd even wanted to say them to her.

He moved his lips to her ear, nuzzling her hair for a moment before whispering.

"I'm sorry," he said, causing her to stiffen in his arms, "I didn't mean it, none of it."

He waited for her response. She didn't speak but she rolled onto her back, her eyes locking with his as she focused on him. Danny's breath caught in his throat. He remembered that look, it was the same look she'd given him at work, the day she'd told him she had to let her love for him go, where she was desperately trying not to look at him until he told her they should talk. The look she gave him was reminiscent of a beaten puppy, hurt in the worst way possible yet completely blameless.

"Then why did you say it?" she asked.

"I just . . .," he groaned as he fell onto his back next to her, "I know we need to talk about this, I want to talk about it," he said, "let's just get up first," he added.

"Okay," she said, nodding as she watched him swing off the bed and move towards the closet.

"Here," he said a moment later as he handed her a pair of sweatpants and a shirt, "you look like you could use something more comfortable."

While Danny went into the bathroom to take a shower she quickly changed out of her crumpled work clothes and pulled on his clothes. They were way too big, but they were comfortable and they smelled like him.

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Danny walked into the kitchen, hating the sight of her sitting at the counter deep in thought. She toyed with her empty coffee cup, only stopping when he reached over to take it.

He placed the coffees in front of them before pulling up a stool and balancing himself opposite her. Reaching out he brushed the tips of his fingers against hers and was somewhat relieved when she didn't move away.

"I'm a total fuck up," he said, his eyes firmly fixed on their hands.

"Yes," she said simply.

His raised his eyes to hers, unable to keep the slight smile from his face. He knew she wouldn't hold any punches.

"I'm so. . ."

"Don't say it," she said, rushing in quickly, "just help me to understand it. Did you mean what you said last night, . . .?" she took in a long, shaky breath, "when you said you considered sleeping with her again."

Danny gripped hold of her hand more tightly, his eyes searching hers, seeing her uncertainty. He couldn't answer her question, not straight away. He had to explain things first. His eyes implored her to understand.

"When I got to the cemetery I just felt so lost," he began, "so alone. It wasn't like the other times I'd gone to visit him. I think it was the first time I let myself really think about things, really think about how things went down that day. Before, every time I thought about it I was just consumed by guilt, it stopped me from really thinking about it, about him."

Lindsay nodded, encouraging him to continue. As much as she wanted him to just tell her that he hadn't meant what he'd said last night, she knew he had to do this; that _they_ had to do this.

"And you know what?" he said, "It occurred to me that I'd done him a disservice. He deserved to be mourned, not to be wrapped up in some self absorbed, self destructive behaviour of a grown man who really should know better."

Lindsay smiled at him a little, taking in the way his eyes sparkled as he relayed his revelation to her. He bent his head again, as though something else had occurred to him.

"Dan?"

"And then I saw her," he said quietly, "she was walking towards me, her head bent. I knew she hadn't seen me. I wanted to run Linds, right then I wanted to get the hell out of there."

"Why?" she asked, shaking her head slightly.

"Because she was crying," he said quietly, "I could hear her sobbing and I knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. And then it all came back; the guilt, the need to take away her pain, the need to take away my own. And yes, for a split second I thought about it, I thought about how it worked last time, how for that short time I didn't hurt anymore."

"I can understand that," Lindsay said simply.

"You can?" he asked, shaking his head in wonder.

"Of course," she replied, "when my friends died I did some things to take away my own pain, did things that hurt the people around me. While I was doing them I didn't care about it though, but after, . . . after it just made me feel worse."

"What things did you do?" he asked.

She shook her head, smiling weakly at him through the veil of tears that stung her eyes. "That's another story," she said, "for another day. Tell me about Rikki."

"By the time she saw me I'd gone through this whole gamut of emotions, and come full circle," he said, "by the time I looked in her eyes and saw up close how much she was still hurting, I knew I couldn't help her, not like that. So this time," he paused for a moment, "this time I just held her. And we stood there together, talking about Ruben, talking about how much his life was worth."

He studied her for a moment longer, his fingers reaching out to brush away the tears falling down her cheeks, ignoring his own.

"I took her for a cup of coffee," he said, "it was cold and she'd been at the cemetery all day, just walking around then ending up back at his side. Not knowing what to do. So I thought we should talk, that at least I could make sure she was warm."

"What did you talk about?" Lindsay asked.

"Ruben," he said, "her family. She talked about how when she's with them she can almost pretend for a while. They didn't support her when she got pregnant. They never met him, they were able to act as though he'd never existed. I think that's why it hit her so bad coming back here."

"I'm glad you were able to spend time with her," Lindsay replied honestly. As much as she might sometimes wonder if it would be so much better for her to hate the other woman, deep down she knew that Rikki deserved her sympathy. That's what made the situation so complicated.

"And we talked about you," Danny said simply, gauging her reaction to his words.

"Me?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, "I told her how much I loved you. How much I wanted to be with you."

"Oh!"

Lindsay had only met Rikki in passing a couple of times, but she was a nice woman; friendly, a good mother.

"I lied to her about something though," he said, taking a shaky breath.

"What?" Lindsay asked quietly.

"I told her that when I slept with her, you and I had broken up," he tugged on her arm as she started to pull back, "please Linds," he begged, "hear me out. When I told her you and I were spending time together she asked me, she asked me outright if we had broken up when she and I slept together. I couldn't tell her the truth, I could see the guilt in her eyes as soon as she thought it. I couldn't live with her feeling guilty about that. She shouldn't have to bear that responsibility."

"No, she shouldn't," Lindsay sighed, her shoulders slumping in acknowledgement that she would never be able to portion a single bit of blame on Rikki's shoulders.

"Thank you," Danny said simply.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Lindsay summoned up the courage to speak.

"What was last night all about?" she asked.

Danny sighed, he knew this had been coming but he didn't really want to answer it. Not because he couldn't, more because he wasn't sure he could make her understand.

"I didn't want to hurt you anymore," he said simply. He looked at her then, "I didn't want to see that," he gestured to her face, "that look in your eyes. The one that reminded me what I'd done. And I thought, I thought if I pushed you away that it would stop the pain."

"When all it would do is stop you having to see my pain, stop you feeling responsible for my pain," Lindsay said quietly.

"Yes," Danny said, "I told you I'm a fuck up," he added.

Silence fell between them as Lindsay once again tried to process what he'd just told her.

"Do you know the thing that hurts the most?" she asked.

"What?" he asked, shaking his head slightly.

"It's that," she took a breath, trying to hold onto her pain, "It's that you see my pain and it makes you pull away, yet when you saw her pain it drew you closer." She couldn't fight the tears, or the tiny whimper that came from her throat, "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" she asked, "Do you have any idea how worthless, how stupid, how fucking unwanted that makes me feel Danny?"

All her resolve was gone, all her determination to be there for him and not make this about her went out of the window. It was about her, it was about them. And everything connected with Rikki made her feel abandoned because of him and his actions.

"Shit Linds," he said, slipping off of the stool and walking around the counter to her, "No baby, no," he whispered as he tried to hold her, ignoring her attempts to pull away, her attempt to push him and force him to let go. "That's not how it is Lindsay, it's not I promise. I love you. I want you. That's the problem here. With Rikki, any comfort I gave her was temporary, I wasn't thinking long term. But every time I look at you I see the future and sometimes, just sometimes I think that you'd be better off without me. I hated seeing Rikki in pain, I felt responsible for it. But deep down I knew it wasn't me, I knew that I couldn't have prevented Ruben's death, I followed my instinct and he died, but I'm not sure I wouldn't do the same thing again in a similar situation. I was supposed to keep him safe, but it's not my fault he died. But with you, I'm supposed to keep you safe, I'm supposed to make you happy, not make you sad. And it _is_ my fault that you're hurting. Don't you see? With you I _am_ responsible. In all of this, the one person who shouldn't be hurt is you."

"Then why hurt me again?" she asked, her head now resting against his chest, her tears still cascading down her cheeks, "Why keep doing it Dan?"

"Because it scares me," he said, "It fucking terrifies me. Last night I couldn't stop thinking that for the past few months I've done everything not to hurt you yet still I managed it. You ran when you saw me with Rikki, and I can't blame you for that. I can't blame you for thinking the worst."

She pulled back and looked at him, not really knowing how she came to be sitting in his lap on the couch. "All I wanted was to be there for you, like you were for me. That's all I ever wanted. But sometimes it's hard. Yesterday I wanted to be there, but it still felt like you couldn't come to me. When you changed your mind and said you wanted me to come over after work I was so relieved. I thought maybe I could finally be there for you. Maybe I could get better at it. Then when you didn't come home and I went looking for you, I saw you with her. It hurt. I won't deny it Danny, it hurt really bad. But then I realised, I realised that I'd got it wrong and I came back, I came back but you still pushed me away."

"I won't push you away anymore Montana," he said, "I promise."

"You've promised me that before," she said, eyeing him closely, her gaze clear and unblinking despite the torrent of tears she'd just shed.

"I'll prove it to you," he said.

"How? How will you do that?"

She saw his brow wrinkle in concentration, his mind drifting for a moment. At first Lindsay thought he was trying to think of a way, but his tense demeanour told her differently.

"What?" she asked, "What is it?"

"I have to go, . . ." he took a breath, "I have to go somewhere, this afternoon. I want you to come with me."

"Where?" she asked, her brow knotting in confusion.

Danny flinched. "There's a service, for Ruben," he said simply, finally looking at her.

"For Ruben?" she asked, her mind running so quickly that her mouth couldn't keep up.

A service for Ruben. Rikki would be there. Could she do it? Did she want to? And suddenly she realised what he was offering her. Closure, in every way possible. Finally he was letting her in to the one thing he'd kept away from her.

She looked up at him, seeing the fear etched on his features, the anticipation of her refusal. She knew he wouldn't blame her if she said no, but she also knew that if she refused him they would likely end up here again. It was a big step, a huge step.

"Okay," she whispered, resting her forehead against his, "okay, I'll go with you."

"Thank you," he said, his hands resting against her face, his gaze boring into hers, "Thank you."

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As they reached the top step of the chapel Lindsay took a breath in an attempt to quell her racing heart. Danny looked at her silently, his hand squeezing hers gently. She squeezed back, wanting to give him what she could.

She drew her palm down her thigh in an attempt to rid her skirt of an invisible crease. She watched as Danny hesitated, listening to the sound of the organ beginning to play the first verse of a familiar hymn. She couldn't quite place it, it had been a while since she'd been in church.

Deciding it was her turn to take charge she tugged on his hand.

"Come on," she said gently, "we don't want to be late."

He pinched the bridge of his nose before nodding briefly and stepping forward.

They slipped into the half full church, seeing the throng of people rise to their feet to sing the first musical tribute to the young boy whose life had been taken. At least half of the congregation were children, Ruben's friends. The other half was a mix of young and old. Lindsay looked towards the front where she saw Rikki, sandwiched between an elderly couple who Lindsay recognised from Danny's apartment block.

She scanned the rows at the back and was surprised to see a familiar figure doing his best to sing along, although looking uncomfortable doing it. Danny noticed him at the same time. They slipped into the pew, reaching for the hymn sheet to join in the chorus of singers and those miming along.

She watched as Don Flack reached out and placed a comforting hand on Danny's shoulder.

"I saw the announcement in the paper," he whispered, "thought you'd be here," he added before his eyes glanced to Lindsay, "thought you might need a friend."

"Thank you," Danny said before his mind drifted along with the music, his thoughts no doubt turning to Ruben.

"You okay Linds?" Don asked softly.

"Sure," she said with a nervous smile.

He squeezed her hand before returning to his out-of-tune melody. Lindsay smothered a smile, suddenly finding herself begin to relax.

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Lindsay batted away the stray tear that slid down her face as she listened to Ruben's school friends sing a song they'd created just for him. She felt her heart jolt at the sound of the uncontrolled sobs coming from the front pew. She could feel Danny tensing beside her so she reached out her hand, resting it lightly against his back in a gesture of support that she hoped wasn't intrusive.

She saw his gaze glued on some imaginary spot in front of him, his own eyes glistening with unshed tears.

And then it was over, the movement in the church signalling that everyone was getting ready to leave. As people piled out she turned to Danny.

"You want me to wait outside?" she asked.

"No," he said quickly, "I don't."

She smiled lightly at him, while trying once again to battle her nerves. This wasn't about her, she wouldn't make it about her. But damn it was difficult. She didn't want to think about Rikki as the 'other' woman, she really didn't. After all, it was a lot more than that which had driven the wedge between her and Danny.

"I need to get back to work," Don said quietly.

Danny made an effort to smile his thanks to his friend as Don clapped him on the shoulder and retreated from the church.

Lindsay swallowed the lump forming in her throat as she watched Rikki say goodbye to the elderly couple, the only people remaining. She watched in a mix of horror and fascination as Rikki made her way towards them and felt Danny's hand slip from hers as he moved to envelop the other woman in a hug.

"You did good," she heard him whisper, "you did real good."

Lindsay tried not to flinch as she saw Rikki place her hand on his cheek and offer him a sweet smile. Then Rikki stepped forward and unexpectedly moved to hug Lindsay, who tensed for a moment, hoping to god the other woman didn't sense it.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Lindsay whispered, trying to control the tremor in her voice.

"Thank you for coming," Rikki said, "I appreciate it."

Rikki turned as the priest approached them, offering him a watery smile.

"I just wanted to speak to Danny for a moment," the priest said, squeezing Rikki's arm.

Both Lindsay and Danny blanched at that.

"Umm, I . . . I," Danny floundered, looking to Lindsay for support.

"Go," she said, "its fine."

He slowly followed the older man, his feet dragging a little.

"Sorry about that," Rikki said, "I asked father Michael to give us a few minutes."

"You did?" Lindsay asked, surprised.

"I thought we should talk," Rikki said.

"Oh."

"I wanted to apologise to you."

"Apologise?" Lindsay asked, shaking her head in confusion.

"Danny's not a very good liar."

Lindsay stared back at Rikki, realisation suddenly flooding her. "You know?" she asked.

"I know," Rikki said, "and I want you to know how truly sorry I am. Whatever happened, however much pain we were in, it was no excuse."

"It wasn't your fault," Lindsay said, "It was something that happened. A whole set of circumstances that led to it. A lot of those circumstances had nothing to do with you."

Rikki nodded. "I just wanted to clear the air."

"Consider it cleared," Lindsay replied.

"Thank you. You know, he's lucky to have you."

"It's a mutual thing," Lindsay whispered, suddenly distracted by Danny approaching them.

"Okay," she heard him say, his gaze glancing quickly from one to the other before settling on Lindsay, "you ready to go?" he asked.

She nodded in response and watched as he once again hugged Rikki.

"If you need anything," he said, "anything at all, you let us know."

His hand reaching for Lindsay's, spoke more than his words. 'Me' had just turned into 'us'.

As they walked away Lindsay tightened her grip on his hand and for the first time she allowed herself to believe they would be okay.

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They stood at the top of the steps leading to her apartment building, their walk from the church having allowed each of them time for quiet reflection.

"You sure you don't want to come up?" Lindsay asked.

"I do," he said with a smile, "but I'm not going to. It's been a crazy couple of days and you need some time. We both need to step back for tonight. I don't want there to be any more regrets."

She nodded. "I think we're going to be okay Messer."

"I think so too," he said, a grin tugging at his lips.

He stepped up and dropped a light kiss to her cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow," he added before turning and walking back down the steps.

"Danny!"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think, . . . do you think maybe we could do something. Tomorrow night?" she asked, suddenly nervous. "Something nice?"

She watched as he walked back towards her.

"What'd you have in mind Montana?" he asked with a smirk.

"I thought maybe, something like a, like a date?" she asked, hating that she sounded as nervous as she felt.

He stopped in his approach towards her, first shock then a glimmer of joy spreading out across his expression.

"You mean it?" he asked, his voice choked.

"I mean it," she said, nodding, a slow smile lighting her face.

She closed her eyes for a moment, revelling in the feel of his fingers stroking through her hair as he brought his body in close. When she opened her eyes again he was grinning like a fool.

"I think we can manage that Montana," he whispered, a gleam in his eye.

"I don't, I mean," she scowled in frustration as she couldn't find the words to say what she wanted.

"It's okay," he said softly, "we'll take it slow. We don't want the emotion of the last couple of days to rush us into anything."

"Thank you," she said, her fingers tracing the stubble at his jaw. "You could . . ., you could kiss me though," she said, suddenly realising how demanding that sounded, "If you want," she added.

"Oh I want Montana," he whispered in his slow, sexy drawl, "I want."

Her eyes fixed on his as he lowered his face to hers, his lips brushing ever so gently against hers. She felt him smile against her flesh, his hesitation caused by his inability to stop smiling even long enough to kiss her.

She reached up and pressed the tips of her fingers against his scalp, pulling him in, her mouth moving softly against his, seeking a response.

With a groan he took control, closing in and capturing her lips with his, his mouth insistent and his teeth drawing lightly on her bottom lip before his tongue invaded her mouth. Happy tears stung her eyes as she responded to him, immersing herself in his touch as his hands gripped onto her hips, pulling her against him.

A moment later he pulled back from their intensity, but he didn't pull away completely. Instead he nibbled slowly at her mouth, teasing her lips, causing her to whimper in frustration. Finally he pulled back completely.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too."

She couldn't fight her smile, or resist the one that she saw on his face.

"Tomorrow," he said, once more brushing his lips against hers.

"Tomorrow," she agreed, staring at him, unable to move.

"Inside," he said with a laugh as he turned her around and pushed her gently towards the door.

She stepped through the doorway, turning to peer back at him through the glass. She lifted her hand in a small wave as with a happy heart she headed for her apartment.

Danny watched her go, waited until he saw the light glowing in her living room, waited until he saw her face appear at the window. He stepped under the street lamp then waved before heading home, feeling lighter than he had in months.


	9. First Date

**_I still own nothing to do with the show or the characters. Just to warn you that I will probably be upping the rating of this fic to an M at some point, probably in the next chapter._**

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Stella looked up from the microscope and glanced at the young woman beside her. Lindsay Monroe was happy. It was a sight to behold, it wasn't that Stella hadn't seen her smile in the past few months but she certainly hadn't seen her happy in the way she was now.

"Why so happy?" she asked with a smile of her own.

"I have a date," Lindsay said, unable to contain her grin.

They were interrupted by a nervous sounding Adam. "Does Danny know?" he asked before suddenly blushing as both women arched their brows at him, probably because he'd interrupted their 'girly' musings.

"What?" Adam asked, his voice rising slightly, "I just, I just want to know if I should keep out of his way or something. I don't want to be in the firing line if he's pissed."

"He knows," Lindsay said simply.

"And he's still smiling?" Adam asked as he looked through the glass and saw Danny laughing with Flack just outside the lab.

"He's gonna be there," Lindsay smiled, to which Stella's face erupted into a broad grin.

"Aha," she said as though everything made sense.

Adam didn't notice Don Flack having moved in behind him. "Danny's going to be there?" he asked incredulously, "I've heard rumours that he's into some weird shit but tagging along on a date with your ex?"

Adam jumped as Don clapped him on the shoulder. "I think she means she's going on a date _with_ Danny you clown."

"Oh," Adam said, blushing again, seeing both Stella and Don laughing at him. His gaze drifted to Lindsay who was mock glaring, her arms folded tightly across her chest.

"Weird shit?" she asked, "Care to elaborate Adam?"

"Oh shit!" he said, "I didn't, I'm sorry, it's just . . . . ., you know what the rumour mill is like, it's probably nothing, but I . . . ."

He stopped as Don leaned down and spoke quietly. "Better run Adam, Messer's coming," he said, nodding his head in Danny's direction as he was entering the lab, his eyes glued to the printout in his hands.

"What? But I didn't mean anything, really . . . . ."

Adam stopped his panicked rambling as the others in the room burst out laughing. Adam stared at them before a smile tugged at his lips.

"A joke? Very funny," he said, rolling his eyes and walking from the room.

"What'd I miss?" Danny asked as he walked into the room to find his colleagues still laughing.

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Lindsay knew she'd been grinning like a fool for most of the day, not even a stint in the lab with a vic's stomach contents could ruin her good mood. She felt a little silly, it was hardly as if it was their first date but the nervous excitement she felt precluded any logical or restrained thinking.

She took a deep breath and pulled open her locker, grabbing her coat and slipping it on before turning to leave. She stared at the detective leaning nonchalantly against the locker room door.

"Hey," she smiled.

"Hey," he said, his expression serious as he pushed himself away from the door and moved towards her.

"You okay?" she asked, frowning at his expression.

"Not really."

"What's up?" she asked, her smile wavering slightly.

"I can't wait another two hours to kiss you," he replied as he reached out to brush his thumb against her bottom lip.

"Oh," she said, her smile returning with its 100 watt force, "who says you have to?"

"Mac," he replied, all the while closing in until he was backing her up against the locker, "I think it goes against protocol or somethin'."

"Well," she said, letting her fingers reach up and trail through his hair, "did I ever tell you about the time I saw Mac and Peyton on the stairwell?"

"Get outta here," he said, grinning, "when you put it like that . . . . ."

She couldn't help but sigh as his lips brushed against hers, softly at first, a tender touch that held the promise of so much more. But at the sound that came from her Danny couldn't help but tilt his head to deepen the kiss, his hands tugging on her hips to bring her closer into him.

When they pulled back both were breathless, heightened colour settling on their cheeks. Danny rested his head against hers, his thumbs stroking her cheeks gently.

"Damn," he sighed, "how the hell did I survive these last few months without that?" he asked.

Lindsay watched as his face fell then, a sudden reminder to himself that it was his choice to do what he'd done, his choice that caused the rift between them.

"Don't do that," she urged, "don't you do that Danny Messer. It's done, over. This is our fresh start, please don't let what happened overshadow that, please."

The urgent tone in her voice brought him back to the deal they'd struck; the agreement to move on, to learn from the past without letting it dictate their future.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," he said, smiling a little.

"Kiss me again," she demanded, to which he arched his brow in mock surprise.

"I'd forgotten how demanding you can be Ms Monroe, . . . ."

His words were cut off by the feel of her hand fisting the front of his shirt, pulling him towards her, crashing her mouth against his. Danny wrapped his arms around her as their kiss turned heated very quickly, his grip forcing her against him and pulling her a little off the floor.

The deep cough that interrupted them came from the now open doorway and prompted Danny to let go of her quickly. Lindsay stumbled back and would have fallen had Danny not suddenly grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her back towards him. They both looked embarrassed when they turned towards the door to see Mac, Stella and Hawkes staring at them.

"Sorry boss," Danny mumbled as he took in Mac's stern features.

Lindsay ignored Mac altogether, instead focusing on the others standing behind him. She regretted it as she caught Stella's barely contained smirk and Sheldon's open and obvious grin.

"I would ask what you both think you were doing," Mac said, "but I think that's obvious don't you?" he asked, looking at them questioningly.

"We were, umm, I mean I was, . . . . I just needed to umm, . . .," Danny frowned as he flapped his hands around in a frustrated gesture, his frown turned to a scowl when he heard the laugh leave Stella's lips. "We were, . . . ."

His second attempt at an explanation was interrupted by Mac. "Reconstructing a crime scene?" he asked with an arched brow, his expression expectant.

"Umm, yeah," Danny said, pointing his finger at the older man, "That's it," he added, "you got it Mac. It was that case we had last week, I was just showing Montana here how the perp got a hold of the vic and strangled her."

Mac tried to cover his laugh with a cough when he saw Lindsay rolling her eyes as she realised their boss had just given them the perfect get out from what was an intensely embarrassing moment, only for it to be ruined by Danny taking it too far.

"Maybe you could finish the reconstruction somewhere less public," Mac said, standing back and gesturing to the door, indicating that they should both leave.

"Uh, okay," Danny said, following Lindsay who was making her way to the door with her head bent, eyes firmly fixed on the floor in front of her.

As they exited the room Danny muttered under his breath. "You think I went too far?"

At the sound of the laughter that followed them from the room Lindsay shot him a look. "Ya think Messer?" she growled.

"You started it," he said, "I was happy to leave it at one little kiss and you just had ta grab me and have your way with me right there in front of the lockers Montana," he added with a smirk.

The slap to his arm wiped the smirk from his face, for a moment anyway.

Stella looked on, watching them banter back and forth until they reached the elevator. "It's nice to see things back to normal," she sighed.

"Yes," Mac said, returning her smile, "it is."

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Lindsay paced her apartment, waiting for Danny to arrive. She was nervous. They never really had a first date before. It had been the drinks, dinner and few laughs that Danny had said he wanted all those months before. They'd had one night over pizza, tequila shots and a game of pool before they slept together. Not that she regretted it, but the bar had been set on their relationship at that point, it had consisted of nights out with the team, an occasional movie or dinner after work, then bed.

This was different. A part of her wanted to slip back into their comfort zone, the same part of her that wanted to slip out of the low cut, strapless dress she was wearing. She allowed herself a moment to wonder if she was trying too hard, even considering quickly changing into her standard jeans and pretty top. But, she wanted to wear a dress. Danny hadn't seen her in a dress since the night her trip to the opera had been disturbed by the subway surfers.

Any thoughts of changing were quickly banished by the sound of the gentle but assured knock on her apartment door. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she made her way to the door.

Danny stood back from the doorway, waiting expectantly for the door to swing open. The anticipation of this date had him bouncing on his heels in an effort to dispel some of the excess energy that was coursing through him. As she unbolted the door he couldn't fight the smile that tugged at his lips; a smile that disappeared, slowly to be replaced by a look of wonder as she stood before him.

She looked beautiful. Her dress was a concoction of reds and greens, colours that drew out the soft tones of her complexion, the skin on show was flawless, forcing him to fight the urge to reach out and touch her. The dress swung perfectly just above her knees, the bodice low enough to give a tantalising view of her cleavage without exposing too much. It was a dress designed to torment.

Lindsay watched as his eyes widened, his gaze trailing slowly from her face down to her toes and back up again. By the time he saw her face the second time, her cheeks were flushed pink.

"Damn," he said, the solitary word coming out on a slow exhalation of air.

"It's not too much?" she asked quickly, her hands gesturing in front of her.

"Too much?" Danny asked incredulously, "Montana, that dress don't got too much of nothing. A whisp of silk can hardly be described as much, let alone 'too' much."

"I'll go get changed."

By the time her voice filtered through his befuddled mind he realised how his words might have sounded to her.

"Linds," he said urgently, reaching out and grabbing hold of her hand, pulling her towards him while at the same time stepping through the door and into her apartment. "You're perfect."

"You're sure?" she asked, her eyes searching his while her stiff posture revealed her nervousness.

His arm snaked around her waist as he pulled her hard against his chest.

"I'm pretty sure this is a bad idea if we want to get out of here anytime soon, but it seems to me you need some convincing Ms Monroe," he whispered.

Lindsay stared at him wide eyed, the feel of his hard body pressed up against her sent her mind reeling. She had nothing; no words, no thoughts, nothing. The only thing filtering through her consciousness was the urgent need to feel his mouth against hers.

She watched him as, with a small smile his hand drifted along the curve of her spine, over her bare shoulder, his fingers brushing lightly against skin causing her to barely conceal the shiver that passed through her. Eventually his fingers tangled in her hair, forcing enough pressure to bring her in closer.

A sigh broke through her lips as he gently pressed his mouth to hers, brushing flesh against flesh in a manner that was teasing and tempting. Lindsay could feel her body reacting to him, reactions that had been concealed by hurt and betrayal these last few months.

She pressed herself against him, arms reaching up around his neck so she could pull him closer. She heard the groan at the back of his throat as she shifted her hips against his, further igniting the fire between them. She felt him begin to pull back but she held fast, her mouth opening to deepen their kiss, her tongue darting out across his lips before she sucked gently on his flesh. A second later she felt something give, the last vestiges of his control almost at breaking point as he spun her around and backed her into the wall.

She couldn't control the whimper that caught in her throat when she felt his hands brush up against her sides, fingers flitting across the outer curve of her breast. Any other time the sounds coming from her throat would have spurred him on, would have encouraged him to take things to the next level as they had so many times before. But not this time, if anything the sound of her crumbling resolve brought him to his senses.

"We have to stop," he said, breathing harshly after he dragged his mouth from hers.

Lindsay's hands moved to his shoulders where she sought leverage to keep her legs from sagging beneath her. She couldn't help the smile that lit up her face or the laugh that escaped her lips.

"Somethin' funny Montana?" Danny asked, arching his brow.

"That was . . .," she began, pausing long enough to catch her breath, "intense," she added, chuckling again.

"Yeah, well we gotta get out of here," he said, stepping back from her and dragging his fingers through his hair in a gesture of frustration. His cheeks were tinged pink and his breathing still laboured.

Lindsay couldn't contain her smile. She loved disarming him, and here, she'd done it perfectly. Mr 'I gotta be in control' was rapidly losing it. She knew all it would take was one touch, one look and they wouldn't be going anywhere. In typical Danny Messer style, his way of dealing with that was to back off and draw on the New York City boy façade he'd honed over the past thirty four years. Lindsay Monroe wasn't fooled though, and despite her going along with him for the moment, he knew that he couldn't fool her, anybody else, but not her.

"Right Messer," she said with a quirky smile as she reached for her coat, "Let's go."

His scowl told her he knew that inside she was laughing at him.

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"You alright to walk?" Danny asked as they exited her building, his eyes glancing at the red patent kitten heels that adorned her feet.

"Sure," she said with a smile. "Where we going anyway?"

"We're going on a picnic Montana," he said with a smirk, his demeanour more relaxed than a few moments before.

"Where?" she asked, frowning, "It hasn't escaped you're notice it's the middle of winter has it?"

"Don't worry," he assured her, "I'll keep ya warm."

She couldn't help the blush that rose up her neck and into her cheeks, his words reminding her just how warm he got her back in her apartment. "I'll hold you to that cowboy," she said as his hand grasped hers and pulled her more tightly into his side.

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Lindsay stared at the building in front of them, the expanse of steps, always crowded during the day were now virtually deserted. Her heart skipped a beat as she recalled the last time they were there. It had been one of those rare moments where they'd got physical over the reconstruction of the crime scene.

She looked up at him with a smile. "We're having a picnic on the steps of the museum?" she asked.

"Nope," he said with a grin, "we're having a picnic inside of it."

"But how?" she asked, "It closed over two hours ago."

"That's where having a well connected friend comes in handy," he said, "or at least a friend who has a well connected father. Flack's old man pulled a few strings and got us in."

"Wow. Remind me to thank Don," she said.

"I was kinda hoping you'd be thankin' me first," Danny replied, waggling his eyebrows with a glint in his eye.

"I'll see what I can come up with," she replied, "a fruit basket maybe?"

"Ha, ha Montana. You're a riot."

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"It's pretty amazing what passes for art these days," Danny said as they studied the pictures of comic book heroes that adorned the wide expanse of the wall in front of them.

"Superhero fashion is pretty arty," Lindsay replied with a smirk.

"So," Danny said, turning towards her with a grin, "you think that Batman would've kicked Superman's ass?"

Lindsay snorted. "Hardly," she said, giving him a sly look, "he didn't even have any superpowers, just a sidekick with a silly name, an old butler and third rate car that would never have . . . . ."

"Okay Montana," Danny rushed in, turning towards her, "let's not start all that again, leave the Batmobile out of it."

She laughed as he wrapped his arms around her waist and brushed his lips against hers in an attempt to shut her up.

"So," Lindsay said, settling comfortably in the circle of his arms, "you fancied yourself as a bit of a Batman when you were growing up?"

"Well he was the superhero I could relate to the most," he replied, his voice muffled as he nuzzled her neck, "I guess it's the playboy lifestyle," he added, lifting his head and leaning back to get a better look at her, his face emblazoned with his trademark smirk.

"Funny," she said, "I thought you'd have related more to Superman."

"Yeah?" he asked, a cocky grin on his face.

"Yeah," she said, "you've got that geek in glasses look about you."

"Sticks and stones Montana," he said, his expression wounded, "sticks and stones."

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Their picnic had been set up on a table in a small alcove just off of the main exhibition room. The archway above them was littered with twinkling lights while the candles on the table cast a subdued glow into the space around them.

"I'm done," Lindsay sighed, throwing her napkin onto the table and finally admitting defeat by the array of food in front of them.

"Lightweight," Danny said as he poured her another glass of wine.

"How can you call me a lightweight after the first picnic we had?" she asked, her brow arching challengingly.

"First picnic?" he asked with a frown, "I don't recall no picnic."

"Well technically I guess it was a bug-nic rather than a picnic."

"Ahh," he said, nodding in understanding, "That picnic."

Silence stretched between them, each caught up in their own memories. Lindsay gazed into the dark embers of her wine glass, remembering the happy times that they shared over the years, a small smile tugging at her lips.

When her eyes cast upwards she caught him staring at her intently. "What?" she asked with a nervous laugh.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, his expression serious.

Their eyes locked, the intensity of the moment hanging heavily between them. Lindsay was the first to speak after what seemed like an age of silence.

"Take me home," she whispered, her voice pleading, her eyes holding a promise.

"Gladly," he replied, his fingers momentarily brushing lightly against the side of her face.


	10. Second time around

**I still own nothing to do with the show or any of the characters. This is an M rated chapter.**

* * *

Lindsay hung her coat up by the front door, kicking her shoes off as she went. She walked towards the kitchen as Danny followed her lead, unlacing his shoes before leaving them neatly by the side of hers.

"Drink?" she asked.

"Sure," he said with a shrug.

Lindsay busied herself in the kitchen, using the flurry of activity to calm her frayed nerves. As she poured the wine she felt him move in behind her, his hand brushing gently against her upper arm. The wine sloshed over the side of the glass where her hand trembled in response to his touch.

"Hey," he said with a chuckle, reaching to steady the bottle before it slipped from her grasp.

"Sorry," she mumbled as he took the bottle from her and placed it on the counter.

Danny gently nudged her shoulder and turned her so she was facing him. He grasped her face in his hands, his gaze intense as he leaned forward to look her straight in the eye.

"We don't gotta do nothing Montana," he whispered.

She stared right back at him, her fingers reaching up and brushing against his. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before opening them again and tugging his hands away from her face, pulling his arms around her middle.

"I love you," she whispered huskily before brushing her lips gently against his.

Danny linked his hands behind her, pulling her body in closer to his. He let her lead him, allowed her a moment to tentatively follow through on the kiss she'd started. He fought the urge to take control, just responding to her moves as his fingers edged along the soft skin at the base of her spine where her shirt had ridden up.

"Maybe we should take this somewhere more comfortable," he whispered when they broke apart.

"Sure," she said, giving him a nervous smile.

His hand engulfed her smaller one as he reached out with his other hand to pick up the half filled glasses. Tugging her behind him he moved towards the couch. Lindsay sat in close to his side and gratefully accepted the wine he offered her before taking a huge gulp, nearly choking as the cool, crisp liquid cleared her throat.

"Slow down Linds," he warned, taking the glass from her and placing it on the table in front of them.

"This is ridiculous," she muttered, flushing in embarrassment, "I feel like I'm on a first date."

"This is our first date," he replied with a chuckle, "just the second time around."

"I don't mean _our_ first date," she replied, "I feel like a teenager who's never even been kissed before."

"Tell me about your first date," Danny said softly, his fingers reaching to caress her cheek.

Lindsay couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled up from her chest. "Davey Johnston," she said, "he was fifteen, I was thirteen. He took me to the ice cream parlour."

"And?"

"And I threw up all over him I was so nervous," she replied, her eyes sparkling with mirth.

Danny leaned back in jest, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Just how nervous are you right now?"

"You don't need to worry cowboy, I won't throw up over you," she smiled as he pulled her against him.

"This is nice," Danny said as he tightened his arms around her.

"Hmm," she mumbled, her face buried in his chest for a moment. "So, who was your first date with?" she asked, lifting her head and peering at him.

"Theresa Forlani," he replied, "I took her to my uncle's deli for lunch. Big mistake," he chuckled, "ma decided to come and check on us then Louie turned up outside and started gesturing at the window. It had to be the most embarrassing date of my life."

Lindsay laughed at the imagery his story conjured up.

"What's the best date you ever had?" she asked.

"That's easy Montana," he began before she interrupted him.

"Aside from tonight."

"Okaaay," he said, his expression thoughtful for a moment, "there was this girl. I had the biggest crush on her, spent ages trying to get her to notice me."

"Silly girl," Lindsay chided.

"Yeah well, she was special. She finally agreed to go out with me and it was perfect. Not romantic though, she felt like my best friend. That's what made it so perfect."

"What did you do with her?"

"Pizza, few drinks, some laughs," he said with a smirk, "We ended up back at my place for the hottest game of pool ever."

"Danny," she admonished, slapping him lightly in the chest, at the same time snuggling into him as he stretched out across the couch so she was practically lying horizontally across his body.

"It's true," he said in defence, "there was this one moment when I knew she was gonna kiss me and I felt as though all my Christmas' had come at once. I suddenly realised she was mine."

"She _was_ yours," Lindsay said, "she'd been yours for a long time before that," she sighed as she lifted her eyes to stare at him, her arms crossed in front of her adding leverage against his chest.

"She still mine?" he asked her softly, with an arch of his brow.

"If you'll have her," she replied with a grin.

"Oh I'll have her alright," he retorted with a lecherous smirk.

Their laughter died out as their eyes locked, both sparkling with mirth and an intensity that neither could, or even wanted to deny. She leaned in and brushed her lips softly against his, taking her time exploring his mouth as he responded to her gentle insistence.

At first Danny allowed her to set the pace, but the soft whimper that came from the back of her throat, followed by the way she pressed her body into his, tormented his self control. His hands moved from her back until his fingers were buried in her hair, holding her to him as he tilted his head and deepened the kiss.

Lindsay's heart rate accelerated as she felt his teeth nipping at her bottom lip, grazing the already tender flesh and dragging a lusty moan from her throat. The assured sweep of his tongue against hers had the effect of dulling her thought processes, making any logical cognition impossible. Not that she was looking for logic, what she felt for Danny could not be categorized into any form of reason. She wanted him, had done since that very first day at the zoo. She knew she always would.

When they pulled back, both were breathless. Danny captured her lips once more after one deep, shaky inhalation; his mouth holding hers for the briefest of moments before slowly letting go, the unhurried drag of flesh against flesh testament to his reluctance.

"Fuck me," he whispered hoarsely.

"Okay," Lindsay said, giggling.

"And here's me thinking you were a lady," he replied, his grin broadening at her eye roll.

"You know better than that Messer," she said with a smirk.

Danny shifted his body on the couch, effectively rolling her beneath him. "I do know better," he whispered, his lips moving softly against her neck, "I remember it all Linds."

He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. "I want it again, all of it," he said, his eyes conveying the meaning of his words, "but I want it to be better this time."

"Me too," Lindsay whispered, her emotions causing the words to catch in her throat.

"Good," he said simply before his mouth once again swooped to hers.

This time the kiss was automatically hot. There was no slow build, no uncertainty. Lindsay felt his fingers drift against her already heated flesh, his hand sweeping quickly and lightly against her breast, her nipple hardening at even the lightest contact. Her body arched into his touch, her mouth moulding to his.

With a groan he moved and trailed kisses down her neck, his tongue sweeping the hollow of her throat before he moved to the sensitive spot where her neck and shoulder joined. The feel of his teeth against her skin, the feel of his thumb and forefinger rolling her nipple before gently brushing the side of her breast, the sound of his harsh breathing and her own breathy sighs; all combined in a heady mixture that had her breath catching in her throat and her heart almost pounding out of her chest.

She tried to regain some balance by clutching his shoulders, holding him to her in an effort to quell the sudden panic that filled her. But digging her fingers into his hard muscles did nothing to slow either his desire to please her or her own need to break free, just for a moment. She recognised the signs, it had happened before, just not with Danny. Lindsay Monroe was no stranger to the panic that gripped her, a momentary need for escape from something that threatened. What she couldn't understand was why she felt like that now.

"Danny," she whispered, between her broken, staccato breaths.

It wasn't enough to stop him, if anything the need in her voice spurred him further on.

"Danny stop," she said, the urgency in her voice coupled with her words forcing his head up.

He blinked through his own desire and confusion. He knew her body well enough to understand that every touch, every kiss, every moan and sigh, all designed to please had done just that. Her body responded as it always had, heat coursing through her as desire took hold.

"Whatsa matter?" he drawled, his voice husky.

She shook her head quickly, no words forthcoming. He knew why. Her breathing was coming in short, rapid gasps. He felt her shift, saw her struggle to breathe more deeply, more slowly. It was then that he realised, then that he let himself see beyond her obvious desire and his own need, to look deeply into her eyes and recognise the panic that held her.

"Shit!"

He pulled himself up and away from her, twisting his body and grabbing her shoulders to drag her into an upright position, her body tilting forward slightly into a position to allow much needed air into her body. By now tears were streaming down her overly heated cheeks unchecked. She took a gasping breath, the sound of the air struggling to get beyond her constricted throat panicking him almost as much as it was her.

He sat heavily on the couch beside her, his hand brushing in soothing sweeps against the bare skin of her back, his words gentle and calming, if not clear enough to make any sense to either of them.

"That's it baby," he whispered, "just breathe, nice and slow."

Lindsay felt the first wave of oxygen fill her body, as though absent for longer than the mere seconds it had actually been. She clutched hold of the hand that rested against her knee, the grip tight and unyielding, as though clutching a much needed lifeline.

She opened her mouth to utter the first in what would be countless apologies, the first wave of embarrassment hitting her consciousness.

"Don't talk," he said soothingly, "just breathe."

She gulped the air quickly, too quickly. Her mind had to force her body to slow down, had to consciously control the movement of her diaphragm against her ribcage. The room was quiet except for her harsh breathing and Danny's whispered words of comfort. It was several minutes before she had calmed, her first movement being to drop her face into her hands, seeking solace in escape, even such a juvenile one as hiding her eyes in the hope that she would not be seen.

She felt the gentle tug of his arm forcing her closer into him, forcing her body to fall against his with a gentle thud. His fingers brushed lightly against the soft, downy skin at the back of her neck, his other hand still gripping her knee as though somehow grounding her with its strength.

"What's going on?" he asked, worry evident in his tone.

"I don't know," she replied with a tiny shake of her head.

She lifted her head and looked right at him, her tear streaked face holding an expression of sorrow, guilt, apology.

"Talk to me Linds," he said gently.

"I don't know what to say," she whispered honestly.

He pulled back slightly, not taking his hands from her but moving his body away. His eyes were cast forward, not looking at her but not quite looking away. She saw the emotions flitting across his expression, the slight flicker of his eye revealing a sudden thought that was not altogether pleasant.

"Is this because of what I did?" he asked suddenly.

Lindsay frowned, not really understanding his meaning. "Because of . . . . . . _what_?" she asked, confused.

She saw the slight twitch of his lip and suddenly realisation filled her.

"Were you thinking about . . . . about . . .?" his voice wavered and he couldn't finish the question.

"Oh god no," she said quickly, twisting so she could face him properly.

Her hands reached to cup each side of his face, turning him to look at her, to see the truth of her words in her expression.

"No Danny," she repeated, "I wasn't thinking at all. When I'm with you, . . . like that . .," she gestured with her head to indicate their position only a few moments before, "I don't think, I can't think. I just feel."

"Then what?" he asked.

"I felt too much," she responded, "just for a moment I felt too much."

"Too much?" he echoed, frowning in confusion as he took her hands and pulled them from his face, clasping them tightly in his grip.

She looked away, unable to hold his gaze.

"Lindsay?"

She wasn't really sure why she had trouble looking at him, or even why she felt so embarrassed by what had happened.

"Linds?"

He cupped the side of her face and forced her to look at him. She blinked in an effort to stem the flow of tears, real emotional tears this time, not the physical ones she'd shed only moments before.

"I didn't want to cry," she wailed suddenly, a tiny sob escaping her lips as one tear after another rolled down her face.

"You didn't want to . . . .?" Danny shook his head a little, as though trying to kick start his thought processes in the hope of catching her up. He pursed his lips and gave her a quizzical look while shrugging his shoulders lightly. "You've lost me," he said, finally admitting defeat in the face of her previously latent emotions.

"I, I . . .," she stammered, trying to stop the tears and desperately wanting to make sense, "I didn't want to cry during sex," she said quickly.

Danny's frown deepened. He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off quickly.

"See!" she said, her tone holding more than a little anger, "you think I'm an idiot," she added.

"Lindsay!"

"I feel like a big enough idiot, you know!" she said, standing and beginning to pace in front of the couch.

Danny sat with his mouth open for a moment.

"God this is embarrassing," she muttered, "the first time we get down to it in over a year and I go and fuck it up."

"Linds!"

She opened her mouth to continue her rant but closed it again when he grabbed hold of her wrist and dragged her into his lap.

"Now," he said calmly, "what the fuck are you talking about?"

Lindsay stared at him in shock for a moment before seeing the laughter in his eyes, the slight quirk of his lips telling her he was trying desperately to keep a straight face. She studied him for a moment before she let out a laugh, a low stomach churning laugh that rumbled up from deep inside before she finally let it out. At the same time she felt Danny's shoulders shaking before he joined her, each of them holding tightly to the other as they laughed harder than they thought possible.

"Oh fuck," Lindsay gasped.

"So," Danny began, taking a deep breath, "so was that . . .," he waved his hand wildly, taking another breath before continuing, "was that the grown up version of throwing up all over me?" he asked.

"I think it was," Lindsay giggled.

Danny's arms tightened around her as their laughter died out. A moment of silence, a pause spread out before them until he eventually spoke.

"I meant it when I said we don't have to do anything," he whispered.

"I know," she replied, "I want to though."

She looked into his eyes, her gaze unwavering. "It just felt a little fast."

"I'm sorry."

"No," she said, pressing her finger to his mouth, "don't be sorry. It was nice."

"Nice?" he mumbled against her touch, arching his brow in indignation.

Lindsay moved her hand and pressed her mouth to his. "Nice is good," she said.

"Don't do much for my street cred though," he complained.

"You don't have street cred Messer, not when it's just you and me."

"True," he said with a smile. "Sooo," he began, "you still want me to stay over?"

"Of course," she grinned, shifting in his lap in a movement that was inadvertently torturous, "maybe we can just take it a little more slowly."

"Slow is my middle name Montana," he drawled as he pushed her off his lap and stood up, "I even promise to stay on my side of the bed."

Lindsay shot him a look, her brow furrowed. "Now where's the fun in that Messer?" she asked as she made her way to the bathroom, leaving him standing, staring at her retreating back.

"Damn," he sighed, "she's gonna kill me."

888888

Danny stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips. He finally felt as though things between them were good, better than good in fact. It was the little things that mattered, like the fact she'd gone and gotten him a Yankees toothbrush to replace the one he used to keep at her place. He'd grinned like an idiot when he'd found it a few minutes before.

He made his way towards her bedroom, hesitating in the doorway as he watched her. She was beautiful, absolutely stunning, standing in front of her bedroom mirror removing the make up she'd been wearing. It spoke volumes to him that she didn't flinch at sharing her night time routine with him. If things had progressed at the rate they'd been going on the couch, they'd have been waking up to her complaining at the mascara stains on her sheets.

He preferred it this way. It wasn't about make up or no make up, he loved the way she looked, even with panda eyes after a night of unbridled passion. But standing in her bedroom doorway watching her go through her usual motions made him feel like a god, it had nothing to do with sexual prowess or his ability to distract her enough that such routines were pointless and unnecessary. No, what he loved about this moment was that he felt a part of her again, a part of everything that was her, even the mundane and the ordinary. That was what made his heart swell and almost burst out of his chest.

"Hey," she whispered as he moved in behind her, their eyes meeting in the glass in front of them.

"Hey," he replied huskily, his hands running up and down her bare arms.

Lindsay felt a shiver run through her. She was still wearing her dress, but the sheer nature of the fabric and the fact that it exposed a fair amount of her back meant that she had direct skin to skin contact with him. Something her body had yearned for.

She turned in his arms and brushed her lips against his. "I'll be ready in a minute," she said, "get in," she added, nodding towards the bed.

Danny just smirked and turned towards the bed. He slid between the cool, crisp sheets, clad only in a pair of boxers. He'd contemplated keeping on his undershirt but had abandoned the idea, he wanted to feel as close to her as possible. He lay back, head propped on pillows and he watched her. He half expected her to go into the bathroom to change but she made no indication that that was her intention as she made her way around the room until she stood just inside the doorway of her closet.

He wanted to look away but he couldn't, didn't _really_ want to. He watched as she tugged at the zipper of her dress, his fingers itching to help her, to use the act as an excuse to brush his fingers down her spine as he'd done many times before. But no, he contented himself with watching her.

The fabric easily slid down her body, pooling at her feet, leaving her clad only in a tiny pair of white lace panties. Her back was still to him, of which he was grateful. He watched her eyeing the shirt he'd just taken off, knew she was contemplating putting it over her head as she had done many times before. That was always their routine on sleepover nights, he'd gotten so used to it that invariably he'd whip the shirt over his head and turn to slip it over hers in one swift move. He knew she loved the feel of his clothes against her skin, still warm from his body.

But this time he watched as she dropped the shirt and slowly turned to face him. His mouth went dry as she stood before him, naked aside from that tiny scrap of lace. His eyes took her in appreciatively; the generous swell of her breasts, the tapering of her waist and the outward curve of her hips. He attempted to swallow around the lump that had formed in his throat.

He knew when he was being played, but if he hadn't done, if that one tiny detail had escaped him, then the gleam in her eye and the curve of her mouth would have given it away.

He kept his eyes ahead as she slipped into the bed beside him. He didn't dare look at her for a moment, instead needing to quell the desire that filled him. She wanted to go slow, but she wasn't above a little torture.

His eyes glanced sideways and his heart jolted in his chest as he took her in. The sheet conveniently only made it up as far as her waist, leaving the rest of her exposed to his gaze.

"Witch," he muttered.

She giggled, causing him to groan as he turned on his side towards her, propping himself up on the pillow.

"Stop that," he ordered testily.

His expression made her laugh even harder.

"You're all jiggly," he complained, his eyes on her breasts, knowing full well that his words would do nothing to stop her laughter. But really he didn't want her to stop; he was enjoying the view too much.

"Make me stop," she challenged in between laughs, a gleam in her eye.

"Oh now you've done it," he threatened as he moved his body in closer to her side.

The laughter died in her expression as he reached out to touch her, the palm of his hand coming into contact with her breast, cupping it gently. He smirked as her mouth opened on a silent 'oh' and her body arched into his touch. He lazily ran the tips of his fingers in circular motions against her flesh, getting closer and closer to the hardened peak that seemed to be aching for his touch.

He moved his head and dropped kiss to the edge of her mouth before moving down and capturing the nipple of the other, abandoned breast between his lips. He was rewarded by the sound of a soft whimper coming from her lips.

His hand and mouth caressed her for long, slow, torturous minutes. By the time he lifted his head she was flushed and her breathing coming in faster, shallower bursts. Mindful of how fast he was going he let his hand fall to her waist, gently stroking the flesh he found there.

"Y'alright?" he asked softly as her brushed a kiss to her open mouth.

"Yes," she breathed, "feels good."

He smiled, a genuine smile rather than his trademark smirk. God, he loved this woman, her honesty when it came to the bedroom always amazed him, used to floor him actually. He hadn't expected it, in fact in many ways he'd expected the opposite.

"More?" he asked softly.

She nodded her response, her hand reaching for his and encouraging him further. Danny allowed his fingers to drift almost accidentally across her stomach, at the same time he captured her mouth in a searing kiss, enjoying the breathy moans that came from deep within her.

Lindsay gave into the sensations washing over her, the need for him to touch her, a need that had been burning inside of her since that first moment. She felt his fingers tracing circles across her abdomen, reaching ever closer to her centre. She couldn't control the roll of her hips as he traced the outer edges of her underwear. She continued to succumb to his kisses, tantalisingly sweet mixed with blazingly hot. She loved his patience, the controlled urgency she could feel within him.

He lifted his head and stared into her eyes at the exact moment his hand slipped beneath the band of her underwear. She gasped as his fingers trailed across her moist folds, not yet seeking but merely testing. Their eyes locked, the blue pools staring back at her a shade darker than normal. She'd seen that look before and she gained a new found respect for his restraint, she knew he was holding back from what he wanted. He was doing it for her, that in itself was probably the hottest thing in the world right now.

Danny skimmed her swollen flesh, finding her moist and ready for his touch. Her expression was held in wonder, eyes wide, lips slightly parted, skin flushed. He nudged her thighs apart, encouraging her to relax into his touch, wanting her to abandon any reservations and, more than anything, wanting her to be his.

He dipped a finger slowly into her centre, the sound of her moan burning his senses as her hips moved in time to his touch. His other hand stroked her hair back from her damp forehead, fingers brushing lightly against her skin.

"You're beautiful," he whispered.

"Uh-hu," she nodded, not really listening to his words, only the sound of his voice.

He watched as she captured her bottom lip in between her teeth. He knew that as one of her tells, he knew she was close. Just one more sweep of his fingers in the right place and she'd be gone. Dropping a gentle kiss to her nose, he shifted slightly, allowing himself more leverage to pleasure her.

He thrust his fingers into her, a little more roughly than before. She hissed in response before emitting short mewling sounds from her throat. He loved the noises she made when she was just about to come. The sound alone would invariably make him hard and ready to thrust into her, right now he was already hard.

He pulled his fingers from her and skimmed once more against her heated flesh before settling on the tiny nub of nerves that he knew with the lightest of touches would send her over. He teased for a moment, circling rather than touching, enough to incite the glare that was currently aimed in his direction. With a low laugh he gave in, gave her what she so desperately wanted. A single fingertip nudged gently at her flesh, rubbing lightly.

Lindsay's hips jutted towards his touch, her body suddenly rigid with desire. One final touch and she felt a wave of pleasure ripple through her.

"Danny," she whispered as the tidal effect of her orgasm took full form and engulfed her body in pleasure. Her body jerked as she came, flooding his hand with her release before she collapsed back against the bed.

Danny lay down beside her, his fingers trailing through the damp tresses of her hair, his mouth dropping light kisses against her face.

"You okay?"

"More than," she said with a smile after she'd caught her breath, "thank you."

"You are more than welcome Ms Monroe," he chuckled.

Lindsay reached out and brushed her fingers against the flat plain of his stomach, feeling the muscles twitch beneath her touch.

"Montana," he growled as she brushed her hand against his erection.

"You don't like?" she asked, her eyes wide with fake innocence.

His response was to growl again. Her fingers moved to slip inside his boxers but she was stopped by his hand clamping down against her wrist.

"It's okay," he said, "we don't have to . . . ."

Lindsay snorted and moved her hands to grip his biceps, yanking at him and forcing him off balance so he fell into her.

"Actually, you're wrong," she said with smirk, "we really, really _do_ have to."

"Oh yeah?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, "I really want you to fuck me Dan, right now."

He froze above her, his eyes catching hers and his mouth slightly agape. "What the hell happened to going slow?" he asked.

"Pfft," she snorted, "I changed my mind," she added with an eye roll. "now come on, get on with it."

The challenge in her expression was apparent. Her words may be light hearted but the meaning behind them was not, she didn't even attempt to conceal the need that was barely contained beneath the surface. To Danny she was as hot as hell right now and he had no choice but to go with it.

He leaned forward and kissed her, tongues duelling and breaths mingling. Seconds later they were both naked and he was hovering over her.

"I need . . . .," he began, his eyes scanning the bedside table.

Lindsay knew he was thinking about using a condom, they hadn't used them since they first started dating. She knew she'd been the first woman he'd sex with without one, she trusted that she was still the only woman.

"I trust you," she whispered, her expression open.

At that moment Danny felt humbled beyond anything he'd ever felt before. It was like finally coming home, finally getting the redemption he'd previously only dared crave. He swore to himself that he would never, ever do anything to compromise her trust in him again.

"I love you," he whispered as he nudged her thighs apart and sank into her.

"I know," she replied on a moan as he filled her.

They settled for a moment, adjusting to their fit. Lindsay was the first to move, encouraging him with a thrust of her hips. Danny pulled back before slamming into her, revelling in the sounds coming from her.

Neither one of them lasted long, their bodies reacting to each other in the same way they had since the very beginning. They found their rhythm quickly, urgent thrusts, sweeping hands desperate to touch, mouths alternating between deep, hot kisses and teasing nips against heated flesh.

"Danny," Lindsay whispered urgently, forcing his head up and his eyes to lock with hers.

He angled his body for one, final thrust and he watched as her face contorted, eyes firmly fixed on his aside from a brief flicker of her eye lids in response to the wave of pleasure rolling over her. He felt her contracting around him, then with the burning groan of a man finally able to let go, he collapsed on top of her as he came.

Lindsay's arms curled around him, holding him to her, not caring that his weight was pressing her into the mattress beneath. She loved this, loved the complete surrender that immobilised him at that moment. She loved him.


End file.
